Entry 279: They’re Not Crazy, They’re Just Typed That Way

Well, there was good news from Washington this week, and I don’t mean the end of the government shutdown.

The good news I’m referring to did, however, occur during the vote to not do anything about the budget, or the debt ceiling, or, really, anything (because you just can’t rush these things) until next year so we can enjoy the holidays and increase our own personal debt ceilings to buy gifts. It seems that, while the House was voting on  government funding, the official stenographer for the proceedings was going bonkers.  That’s when she began screaming the following:

“He will not be mocked. He will not be mocked. Don’t touch me. He will not be mocked.  The greatest deception here is not ‘one nation under God.’ It never was. Had it been, it would not have been. The Constitution would not have been written by Freemasons. They go against God. You cannot serve two masters. Praise be to God, Lord Jesus Christ.”

Thank goodness for C-Span! Otherwise we might not know about this event, since I’m guessing this particular stenographer was not entering anything into the official record as she was being hauled off by security. There is one thing we do know: she wouldn’t have been removed if, instead of spouting pseudo-religious nonsense, she had been reading from Dr. Seuss. Judging from recent history, they would have let her do that for hours.

This episode got me to thinking, though. Maybe our Senators and Congresspeople aren’t the vindictive, self-serving idiots we think they are. Perhaps they are perfectly rational and dedicated lawmakers, going about their business, always with our best interests in mind.  The only reason we think otherwise is because we have been misled by the records kept by a staff of insane stenographers.

Who knows? Maybe Rep. Marlin Stutzman (R-IN) didn’t really say: “We’re not going to be disrespected. We have to get something out of this. And I don’t know what that even is.” I’ll just bet that was the psycho stenographer making stuff up.

Surely, Senator Rand Paul couldn’t possibly have said something as stupid as “Just because a couple people on the Supreme Court declare something to be ‘constitutional’ does not make it so.”  It had to have been the nutty stenographer, right?

And certainly Michelle Bachman was mistyped because no sane person would actually say, when asked about the government shutdown, “We’re very excited. It’s exactly what we wanted, and we got it.”

That would be silly.

Look, I think by now most Americans are acutely aware that what’s happening in Washington more closely resembles a sleep-away camp color war than democracy in action. And it’s tempting to blame it on groups like the Tea Party. But what if it’s not the fault of the lunatic fringe but, rather, the lunatic fingers of a deranged typist?

Maybe they really did pass gun control legislation but the stenographer typed that they didn’t because a Freemason from 1776 told her to.

Perhaps she interpreted something on a dollar bill to mean she should enter a resolution on behalf of Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) to institute a National Day of Remembrance of Victims of Illegal Immigrants.  (The stenographer must really like Louie; she also quoted him as saying “when you say it’s not a man and a woman anymore, then why not have three men and one woman, or four women and one man, or why not somebody has a love for an animal?”)

Or possibly Nicolas Cage comes to the stenographer in her dreams and says things like “Let’s enter into the record that Ted Cruz recited from Green Eggs and Ham and then compared Obama Care to the Nazis.”

Yes, there’s nothing wrong with our federal government that can’t be fixed with better hiring practices. Once HR begins screening potential Congressional clerical staff for mental illness, I think everything will be fine.

At least, that’s what I prefer to think. Because the only alternative explanation is that our reps in D.C. have bats in the belfry.

And if our Senators and Congresspeople are nutcases, what does that say about the people who elected them?

See you soon.

P.S. Seriously, you have to feel sorry for the poor stenographer, don’t you? She was pushed to the breaking point by having to record every inane word uttered in the hallowed halls of Congress during the debate about the budget and Obama Care. I hope she gets better soon. Also, I hope has a good medical plan.