Entry 404: A Lump of Coal is Less Dangerous

Well, it’s that wonderful time of year again, when we make our lists and check them twice and decide who has been nice and who gets one of the items from the collection of Most Dangerous Toys.

Here are some selections from this year’s “What Were They Thinking?” list.

1. Easy Bake Microwave–This update of a classic seems harmless enough, unless you have small pets and a curious child.

2. Barbie’s Average Friend Jane Doll–In response to criticisms that the classic Barbie doll hurts a girl’s self-image by having unrealistic measurements, Mattel has introduced Jane, who is scaled to the measurements of the average American woman, which are 5’4′ and 166 pounds. While this doll is not dangerous per se, consumers won’t like that Jane can’t fit into Barbie’s Super-Awesome Smart Car.

3. Nerf Automatic Assault Weapon–Although the bullets are made of soft materials, they can be fired so quickly and with such force that they can still cause injury, especially when the gun is wielded in a school cafeteria. However, attempts to ban the toy have been blocked by the NRA. Interestingly, the NRA has also protested the discontinuation of the Roy Rogers Action Figure because it opposes the ban of anything with a trigger.

4. Don’t Shoot Me, I’m Unarmed T-shirt–It has been noted that this item will probably not work for African-Americans, so it joins a growing collection of racially-specific dangerous products, such as the previously listed Bag o’ Skittles, the I’m Just Selling Loosies So Don’t Choke Me Bubble Gum Cigarette, and the Just Because I’m Wearing a Turban Doesn’t Mean I’m a Terrorist, or Even a Muslim, Turban.

5. Hot Wheels Impala–These are being recalled due to a tendency to suddenly stop rolling, causing the Matchbook Corolla behind it to crash into it so that the airbags deploy, sending tiny pieces of metal into the face of the child playing with it.

6. John Madden’s NFL ‘15 Video Game–For the first time, a game in this franchise has been rated Mature due to new play options including “whack your kid with a stick” and “slug your girlfriend in an elevator.”

7. Operation: Ebola Edition–Kids have been missing lots of school by locking themselves in their rooms for 21 days after playing with this game.

8. Science Wiz Bottle Rocket Party–This set of bottle rockets, labeled for children as young as age 8, is an obvious danger to the kids as well as any windows in the vicinity. But it’s actually more dangerous for the 18-and-up set, who are much more likely to be drunk while playing with the rockets on college campuses. This toy can also be very harmful if the Disney Princess Remote Controlled Drone is flying nearby, or a Boeing 747.

9. Fisher-Price Little People Cruise Ship–This toy is so realistic, it can cause diarrhea and other intestinal problems.

10. Bill Cosby Action Figure–It’s not the figure you have to worry about, it’s the action.

Bonus: One of the toys listed above is a real thing. Can you guess which one? (Hint: it’s not the Nerf Assault Weapon, although that is similar to the unnervingly real Junxing Toys Industrial SWAT Electric Machine Gun pictured below.)

See you soon.

Answer: The Science Wiz Bottle Rocket Party is real.