The brochure was for Zucker Hillside Hospital. You might wonder why a hospital would place flight attendants on the cover of its brochure. You might worry if you knew that Zucker Hillside Hospital is a facility for the treatment of mental illness and substance abuse.
The Zucker Hillside location that issued this particular brochure is in Far Rockaway, NY which is, significantly, not far from Kennedy Airport. Evidently, so many flight attendants have substance abuse problems that a hospital has determined it would be profitable to offer a specialized Flight Attendant Recovery Program. I’m assuming it’s profitable; that’s the only reason a hospital would do anything these days.
The brochure says:
“…our program understands the daily challenges inherent to the profession and strives to facilitate the development of skills that will promote a clean and sober lifestyle.”
I am by no means a frequent flyer, but when I do fly, I often wonder how it could be possible for flight attendants to do their jobs without substance assistance. If there are two jobs that do not seem compatible with a clean and sober lifestyle, it’s flight attendant and any position working with Donald Trump.
The inside of the Zucker Hillside Hospital brochure has a picture of another smiling flight attendant closing an overhead bin. A closer look at the photo reveals why he’s smiling: the plane is empty! Obviously, substance abuse isn’t the real problem faced by airline employees. The real problem is airline passengers.
According to the Department of Transportation, flight attendants consistently flunk alcohol testing at a much higher rate than flight crews. Well, first, at the risk of offending stewardi, I’d much rather have the statistics lean that way than the other way around. But, second, of course they have a higher rate of alcoholism! The pilots are in their little bullet-proof room, safely locked away from the passengers. In fact, if the captain has to pee, it’s up to the flight attendants to form a barrier with their serving carts and their bodies, lest a member of the crew come in contact with a customer. “Please use the lavatory in the rear of the plane,” they have to tell the woman with the leaking infant. “The co-pilot is urinating.”
Imagine having to say something like that several times a day. And having access to countless miniature bottles of alcoholic beverages.
If I was a flight attendant, I’m sure I would kill the first moron who couldn’t figure out how to put his bag in that overhead compartment. By the time I had to make the sixth announcement for people to “get out of the freakin’ aisle so we can get this heap of metal off the ground,” they’d be hauling me off the plane in a straight jacket.
That’s why it’s a good thing that the Flight Attendant Recovery Program at Zucker Hillside Hospital includes an anger management group. While stories about passengers being dragged off planes and flight attendants bashing mothers over the head with strollers make big news, most flights include nothing more untoward than an airline employee stealthily spitting into the coffee of obnoxious passengers.
But if not for anger management therapy, stewardi would be constantly attacking self-important numbskulls who just can’t end that all-so-important call so the plane can begin taxiing, confiscating their phones, and shoving them up their asses, which could give a whole new meaning to the term “butt dialing.”
I mean, have you ever thought about how horrible it must be to spend a good deal of your life in the air without actually arriving anywhere? You get someplace, and then you turn right around and wheel your suitcase onto another plane and go someplace else. Sure, you may get to spend a night or two in Paris. But you may also have to spend a night or two in Cleveland. And, in between, you’ve got people with crying babies, and people with rat-sized dogs, and drunks yelling for another drink so they can abuse you even more, and, OMG, if you have to demonstrate how a seatbelt works one more time you might use it to hang yourself. “Have you ever been in a car, you idiots? It’s very similar.”
You want to help flight attendants, Zucker Hillside Hospital? Check around for a guy in a bespoke suit who looks constipated and has voices coming out of his ass and bring him in for treatment.
See you soon.