Entry 965: Sh*t the First Family Says

Way back in the aughts (I’m still not sure what the first decade of the century is supposed to be called), there was a Twitter feed called “Shit My Dad Says” in which a guy named Justin Halpern kept his followers up to date with, well, the title says it all. Halpern ended up getting a book deal out of it, and CBS turned it into a sitcom starring Captain Kirk.

I really don’t know what kind of shit Halpern’s dad said, but it couldn’t have been worse than some of the stuff Ivanka Trump’s dad and brothers say on a regular basis.

Today, I would like to focus on something Eric Trump said last weekend.

In part thanks to depictions of him on Saturday Night Live, Eric has a reputation as being perhaps not the brightest star in the Trump constellation, and there’s an inclination to regard him as the most lovable of the Trumps, in the same way Dopey was the most lovable of the dwarves.

Unfortunately, unlike Walt Disney, the Trumps allow their Dopey to talk. This is what he said about social distancing to Fox News’ Jeanine Pirro, who is one of the few people who can interview Eric without doing spit takes:

“They (Democrats) think they’re taking away Donald Trump’s greatest tool, which is to go into an arena and fill it with 50,000 people every time. You watch. They will milk it every single day between now and November 3rd. And guess what – after November 3rd, coronavirus will magically, all of the sudden, go away and disappear and everybody will be able to reopen.”

He went on to call this a “cognizant strategy” on the part of Democrats, saying that Joe Biden “loves this” because he is not able to draw comparable crowds to his campaign events.

So let’s examine Eric’s accusation for a moment. According to him, Chuck Shumer and Nancy Pelosi met sometime in February and set in motion a scheme in which almost every person in the civilized world would hunker down in their homes and entire industries would be endangered solely so that Donald Trump would not be able to hold large campaign rallies.

But the nefarious plot goes beyond that. Because if Eric thinks the coronavirus will “magically, all of the sudden, go away and disappear” after Election Day, he’s implying that the whole pandemic was a Democratic invention in the first place, or, at the very least, that Joe Biden can snap his fingers and cure the world as if it has been given a massive dose of the hydroxychloroquin the President has been taking prophylactically and has been hawking as if it’s a Trump Brand Steak.

In short, Eric is basically accusing the Democrats of killing over 300,000 people worldwide just to get his father out of office. And while that may be a worthwhile trade-off, it just seems to me that Democrats don’t have the inherent McConnell-like malevolence to come up with something that devious.

Can you even imagine Chuck Shumer twirling his handlebar mustache in maniacal glee as he cackles, “Yah, hah, hah, sure, Nancy, we’ll just bring that virus over from China, and then we’ll infect a few hundred thousand people so that Trump will be forced to institute social distancing guidelines so he won’t be able to hold rallies with 50,000 people (not that he often, if ever, actually has that many) and, while we’re at it, let’s make sure New York is the hardest-hit state of all because, you know, that’s who I represent. Yah, hah, hah.”

To which Nancy Pelosi could reply, “Ooh, ooh, and let’s tell Jared Kushner in advance so he can hoard PPEs and sell them to the states at a profit!”

Assuming that Eric speaks on behalf of his entire family, I think it’s safe to say that the paranoid Trumps are giving the Democrats way too much credit. The Democratic Party may be able to scheme their way into getting what they want (eg: Biden as their candidate), but they often seem to want undesirable things (eg: Biden as their candidate).

But consider this: wouldn’t the Democrats be better off without social distancing? That way, Trump could have his 50,000-person rallies and Democrats could sit back and watch as 50,000 Trump supporters at a time were killed off.

See you soon.

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