Because of circumstances that I cannot reveal,* we could not have certain people that we love dearly join us for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. So we had our big family dinner last Sunday and, let me tell you, Fakesgiving is the way to go!
No holiday rush. No mobs at the supermarket. No stupid Today-Show-host parade banter that might make you cringe if you look back on it in a year or two. Our Fakesgiving was so successful, I’m thinking of moving all the holidays so that they’re more convenient for us. Why not? The whole country did it when we shifted everything to Mondays, so why shouldn’t we celebrate Christmas on, say, January 7? That way, we can get in more shopping days and we can take advantage of the post-holiday sales. As an extra bonus, we may even be able to pick up a free, pre-tinseled Christmas tree at the curb.
Oh, right. We’re Jewish. Our holidays move around all by themselves.
Anyway, while I, personally, have a lot to be thankful for this year, everybody else seems to be up shit’s creek, which used to be shit’s river, but it’s drying up due to global warming.
For instance, Mark Zuckerberg has nothing to be thankful for. Sure, he’s got a zillion dollars, but he can’t seem to get his digital currency launched and, without that, he can only be a zillionaire in old-fashioned money.
David Dobrik has nothing to be thankful for. Sure, he was named one of People magazine’s sexiest men alive, but he wasn’t the sexiest man alive. Even worse for Mr. Dobrik, I had never previously heard of him, and I have no idea why he’s famous. So, really, what does he have to live for?
Mike Pence has nothing to be thankful for. Sure, he’s a heartbeat–or a trial–away from the presidency, but in the meantime he has to act as though President Trump has his full support and, truth be told, he’s not that good of an actor.
Elon Musk has nothing to be thankful for. Sure, he’s super-rich and can fly off into space whenever he wants, but the demonstration of the unbreakable glass on his new Tesla truck didn’t go that well.
Bill DeBlasio has nothing to be thankful for. Sure, he’s mayor of one of the greatest cities in the world, but he’s obviously delusional if he thought he could get elected President when even the people who elected him mayor hate him.
Chris Cuomo has nothing to be thankful for. Sure, he’s got a cushy job on a 24-hour news network, but he will now eternally be known as Fredo. On the plus side, nobody has taken him out to the middle of a lake. Yet.
Lori Loughlin has nothing to be thankful for. Sure, she personally knows the Olsen Twins, but she evidently has really bad lawyers advising her. She has watched Felicity Huffman serve 10 days and be done, while she’s facing something like 45 years because she pled not-guilty. And her daughters probably hate her anyway.
Fred Cox has nothing to be thankful for. Sure, he had a nice 15-year NFL career (as a kicker, so he minimized brain damage), and he made lots of money because he invented the Nerf football. But he died on November 20, so he can’t even have turkey.
Republicans have nothing to be thankful for. Sure, they control the executive branch, the Senate and the judiciary, but they’ve had to check their morals at the door. And they’ve probably lost the claim check.
Democrats have nothing to be thankful for, either. Sure, they’ve got the impeachment thing going on, and Nancy Pelosi is third in line to be president, but Michelle Obama still refuses to run. And I don’t hear anybody saying “Thank goodness for Bloomberg.”
Lorne Michaels has nothing to be thankful for. Sure, SNL is in its 45th season, but even though he’s got a huge cast (remember when it was just seven people instead of 18?), he still has to import celebrities for all the political sketches, which are the only ones that are occasionally funny.
Prince Andrew has nothing to be thankful for. Sure he’s marginal royalty and has mansions all over the place, but he’s caught up in the whole Jeffrey Epstein mess, he’s apparently not very good at interviews, the Queen of England personally hates him, and, well, look at this headline>
Rudy Guiliani has nothing to be thankful for. Sure, he’s the President’s personal lawyer, but every time he opens his mouth, he incriminates himself and/or Trump. Like last week, when he told Fox News that he isn’t worried about Trump throwing him under the bus because “I have insurance.” So there’s stuff about Trump that’s even worse than the stuff we know about?
In conclusion, for you folks stupid enough to celebrate Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving, I hope you enjoy your meal.
See you soon
P.S. I’m going to take Thanksgiving weekend off, so by “soon” I mean next Wednesday, unless Trump does something idiotically post-worthy in the meantime. And I should point out that the last time I said I was going to take some time off, he tried to buy Greenland.