Entry 891: This Land is Your Land, This Land is Greenland

So President Trump and Melania will have been married for 15 years come January, and Donald has been thinking about what to get her.

As always, he has been thinking out loud. He really should keep most of his thoughts to himself, but, unfortunately, he likes to share them, often via Twitter. In this particular instance, I imagine his thought process went something like this:

  • Thought #1: Our 15th anniversary is coming up. I should get Melania something nice.
    Thought #2: I know 25 is the silver anniversary and 50 is gold, but I wonder what 15 is.
    Thought #3: I bet 15 is the island anniversary.
    Thought #4: I’ll buy Greenland.

And so, according to the Wall Street Journal, our president queried his people about purchasing said island, which is the largest in the world, and currently has an owner, namely Denmark, not to mention folks living on it, namely Greenlanders.

Anyway, it doesn’t sound like it got as far as Trump being shown around the island by a real estate agent, possibly while followed by an HGTV camera crew:

  • Trump: I like the open concept and all the iron ore, lead, zinc, diamonds, gold, rare earth elements, uranium and oil. But whose idea was it to bury those great natural resources under all this shitty ice?
    Agent: Well that’s something that’s easily changed, like ripping out carpeting. I believe your policies are already helping with getting rid of some of the ice.
    Trump: Wait, I see people! What are all these illegal immigrants doing here?
    Agent: They’re Greenlanders, sir. They’re not immigrants.
    Trump: They will be once I buy the place.

Speaking of the Greenlanders, they might not be thrilled to have new owners, especially since Denmark is ranked as the world’s second happiest country and the U.S. is 19th. “If somebody’s gonna own us,” Greenlanders probably think, “we’d prefer it to be somebody in good spirits.”

Stalwart journalist that I’m not, I decided to get more in-depth coverage of this story by traveling to Greenland. Well, actually I traveled toward Greenland. I got as far as Kennebunkport ME before thinking, “Eh, close enough.” Plus, that’s where I was going anyway, for a wedding.

Still on the story, however, I asked someone in a restaurant what they thought of the Greenland thing, what with Maine being so much closer to Greenland than Connecticut, where I live.

“Trump is such an asshole,” she replied. That surprised me, because Kennebunkport is where the famous Republican Bush compound is, and where they still sell “Bush-Quayle 88″ t-shirts in town. Then I realized I was talking to someone who was also there for the wedding. From New York.

Fortunately, real reporters have quoted real Greenlanders as saying, ““I think we take it as a sick joke by a crazy president.”

Speaking of crazy presidents, Trump may not be as insane as you think, at least not regarding this. America looked into buying Greenland as far back as the mid-1800s (right after we bought Alaska–cold drinks were becoming popular then) and the Truman administration actually may have made an offer on the place after World War II, but the deal fell through, possibly because of Truman’s insistence that Denmark “throw in some nice pastries.”

The current Danish Prime Minister, Mette Frederiksen, called Trump’s musing about buying Greenland “an absurd discussion.” This caused Trump to tip his hand, indicating that his consideration of the transaction was a little more serious than “musing.”  “Denmark is a very special country with incredible people,” he tweeted, “but based on Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen’s comments, that she would have no interest in discussing the purchase of Greenland, I will be postponing our meeting scheduled in two weeks for another time.”

That decision may have also been influenced by somebody telling Trump what the traditional gift for a 15th anniversary really is, which prompted the president to inquire if he could possibly buy Billy Crystal.

In case you’re wondering, the U.S. hasn’t made a major purchase for over 100 years, so we’re overdue. In 1917 we bought the Danish West Indies and renamed them the U.S. Virgin Islands, much to the chagrin of the natives, who quickly realized they’d be the butts of sophomoric humor. A few years earlier, we bought the Philippines because Spain was having a sale. Of course our biggest transaction was the Louisiana Purchase, which may ultimately destroy our country, since it contained a lot of the red states that voted for Trump.

And that concludes my second post since saying that I wouldn’t be posting for the rest of the summer. Like co-workers who email you when they know you’re on vacation, the Trump administration has continued to do stupid things while I was supposed to be taking a break.

Just another reason to make sure we don’t reelect him.

See you after Labor Day unless, you know . . .

P.S. If you like these posts, please share.

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