Entry 887: They Can’t Stop All of Us . . . Unless They Start Shooting

This post is about illegal aliens.

No, not the ones who are constantly storming our southern border to escape oppressive regimes and water our lawns. President Trump is all over that. The aliens I’m talking about are already in our country. We just haven’t noticed them because of how well they blend in, and because they’re all at Area 51.

In case you’ve never seen the film Independence Day, Area 51 is a military base in Nevada where our government has stored all the alien stuff like spaceships, weapons and, well, aliens. They’ve been doing this since 1947 when visitors first landed in Roswell NM after being diverted from Dallas due to weather.

Area 51 is about 83 miles north of Las Vegas (shuttle buses leave hourly) and, until recently, the government didn’t even acknowledge that it existed (Area 51, not Las Vegas–everyone was pretty sure about that). This secrecy, of course, led people to believe that there was something, um, secret, going on at Area 51. So the government revealed all the other secret projects it was working on (secret weapons, secret technology, secret deodorants) rather than admit that we had been dropped in on by beings from another world who had been tortured in Nevada for decades until Wayne Newton stopped performing. But all that hush-hushery is about to end thanks to Jackson Barnes and his Facebook friends.

Evidently, Barnes came across the Facebook Event page for “Storm Area 51.” It called upon every able-bodied American to do exactly that on September 20 because “They Can’t Stop All of Us.” I can only guess that September 20 had been chosen as the date so as not to conflict with Comicon.

So far, 1.9 million people had said they were going to participate in the storming, and 1.4 million had said they were interested, which meant a half million disinterested people intended to show up because “why not, dude?”.

Barnes immediately recognized the folly of this endeavor. It was sheer foolishness for civilians to storm a heavily-guarded military base . . . without a game plan.

So he devised one, albeit one with terrible spelling. Then he posted it in a secret code that could only be understood by millennials:

“Ok guys, i feel like we need to formulate a game plan, Ive put together this easy to follow diagram here for a proposed plan. The basic idea is that the Kyles form the front line, if we feed them enough psilocybin and monster energy and say that anyone in camoflague is their step dad, and the entire base is made of drywall then they will go beserk and become an impenetrable wall. Then the Rock Throwers will throw pebbles at the inevitable resistance (we dont want to hurt them, we just want to annoy them enough to not shoot the kyles as often) While this is all happening, the two naruto runner battallions will run full speed around the north and south flank, and shadow clone jutsu, effectively trippling our numbers, and overwhelm the base (red circle).”

Certainly no one over 40 years old like me could decipher these intricate instructions. I had no idea what a “kyle” was, for instance, or a “naruto.” So I looked it up. According to the website Know Your Meme, a “kyle” is “generally presented as rage-filled and aggressive, and he is a fan of Monster Energy Drinks and Axe body spray, which has been documented in the Kyle Punches Drywall meme.”

Sounds like just the kind of person you want leading your attack, especially if Area 51 is defended by drywall and the soldiers behind the kyles don’t mind the scent of Axe. And, by the way, in case you don’t know what a “naruto” is, it’s “a young shinobi with an incorrigible knack for mischief.” (I had already wasted too much effort to look up what the hell a shinobi is.)

Obviously, the U.S. military can’t be bothered with silly stuff like this, what with it being busy launching attacks on Iran and having Trump change his mind and all. So naturally, an Air Force spokesperson, in response to the viral popularity of the event, announced, “The U.S. Air Force always stands ready to protect America and its assets.”

Okay, so maybe they can be bothered.

It’s unclear what action the Air Force is ready to take to protect America’s alien assets against an invading force of pebble-armed social media idiots, but the Facebook Event page is careful to instruct interested parties to “Just make sure your mom gives you permission to come.”

For his part, Barnes has posted a message to Area 51’s staunch defenders: “Hello US government, this is a joke, and I do not actually intend to go ahead with this plan. I just thought it would be funny and get me some thumbsy uppies on the Internet. I’m not responsible if people actually decide to storm Area 51.”

Obviously, this statement is meant to legally absolve Barnes from prosecution (inciting stupidity?) if any thumbsy uppiers cause damage or get killed on September 20. Barnes himself will not be among the able-bodied Americans storming Area 51 because he’s Australian.

Meanwhile, the person who’s really worried about invaders is Connie West, owner of a motel called Little A’Le’Inn, which is located near Area 51 on the Extraterrestrial Highway, which was formerly known as State Route 375 but renamed (unhelpfully, as far as the military is concerned), by the Nevada Tourism Board in 1996.

Ms. West is absolutely terrified that hundreds of thousands of odd beings will appear on September 20. Because the Little A’Le’Inn happens to be the only bar for 100 miles in any direction.

See you soon.

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