Entry 871: Fun With Spam

So I went a few days without emptying my spam folder, and you’d be surprised how many offers and opportunities had built up.

Many people wanted to lend me money, even if I have bad credit. That’s awfully nice of them, don’t you think? (And a 26.9% APR is totally reasonable.) Other correspondents wanted to save me money so I wouldn’t have to borrow money. I could save money on new windows and art prints, or I could get my car repaired without paying anything at all, provided I paid for an extended warranty.

In case I didn’t want to borrow money and prefer to pay list price for windows, I could earn money by “taking surveys and getting paid.” I would have had to click through to find out how much I could get paid, but I was in a hurry because so many other people wanted me to take their surveys.

Their was a roofing survey, for instance, and a window survey. (Yes, I have a roof. Yes, I have windows. Yes, they open.)

I could also possibly get a real job. For instance, someone named Ben is apparently in a bit of a pinch and would like me to start as early as today. I could earn $350–more than enough to buy an art print at full price. I don’t know what I’d have to do to get that $350, though. Maybe I’d have to conduct surveys.

A few of the spammers didn’t know me as well as they thought they did. The one who was offering me “veterans mortgage benefits” didn’t know that I’m way too much of a coward to ever have served in the military unless conscripted, and the Vietnam War ended just in time for that not to have happened (I had a middling number in the draft lottery). I also have no desire to “stop the bleeding” by selling my timeshare, primarily because I don’t own a timeshare. I just recently lost 80 pounds, so I don’t need to “get slim, healthy and confident again,” although I have to say that my weight loss was not accompanied by an increase in confidence, unless they’re talking about feeling fairly confident that I can now go into a clothing store and find something that fits.

I also wasn’t interested in taking a dating quiz. I haven’t been on the dating scene for about 40 years, and I’m pretty confident that I haven’t been missed.

I’m not saying I don’t need anti-depression meds, but not in gummy bear form. I am saying I don’t need any printer ink, even at 85% off. And that miracle hair loss treatment is decades too late.

Sometimes my spam folder is a good source of celebrity news. Barbara Corcoran is evidently leaving the TV show Shark Tank so that she can eat more meat. Kelly Ripa stormed off the set of her TV show to promote Illuninesse beauty products. And did you know Bradley Cooper has tinnitus? More importantly, does he know? Did he have it when Lady GaGa was singing to him? If he does have tinnitus, I’m not interested in what he does about it; when I hear ringing, it’s usually a telemarketer.

A couple of subject lines in my spam folder were intriguing. “Ranked by Experts. Reviewed by YOU.” made me want to know what was being ranked, and what sort of review I gave it. (It was home security systems, and they lied–I didn’t have one, didn’t want one, and never reviewed one.) The “Fabletics Exclusive Offer” piqued my interest, if only to find out what the hell Fabletics is. (Leggings, apparently, but they didn’t have any to go with my favorite midriff-baring crop tops.)

Then there was the provocative question “Does Roundup kill more than just weeds?” I suspected the answer was yes, because how anticlimactic would it be if you clicked on it and it said, “No. Just weeds.”

Well, you might be shocked to learn that Roundup may also kill people! By causing cancer! And that a law firm will be happy to sue Monsanto on your behalf if you sign up for weedkiller.injurybase.com and, you know, manage to keep living!

Finally, I just had to look into the new “pain relief technology” that lasts 24 hours with no side effects. I don’t have any chronic pain issues (other than those pain-in-the-ass spammers), but I’m always curious about new technology. This was a “new approach based on quantum physics” using patches charged with “energy from 200+ natural remedies.” I’ll admit that everything I know about quantum physics comes from watching The Big Bang Theory, but really? What sort of energy do natural remedies give off? We’ve been giving our dog CBD oil for joint pain and I haven’t seen the oil (or the dog) emitting any sort of energy waves. Maybe you need all 200+ remedies at one time to cause a quantum physical chemical reaction and get the right energy build-up in the patches.

Anyway, that concludes this visit with my spam folder. And if you’re about to leave a snarky comment about my use of AOL mail, allow me to forward to you an important message about your 100% free hernia mesh claim evaluation.

See you soon.

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