Entry 811: You Can’t be Blamed for Your Relatives

Well, Adolf Hitler is in the news again.

He’s in the news quite frequently for someone who’s been dead for 73 years, unless you believe the theory that he actually escaped to San Diego and is currently residing in an old age home in Alabama.

That theory, by the way, is one that I recently made up in a post about some French dentists who were allowed to examine the Fuhrer’s teeth. Earlier, I did a post about the auctioning off of the Fuhrer’s underpants. And I’ve also written about the return to the best-seller list of Mein Kampf, one of the few books on the list not co-authored by James Patterson.

Fortunately, none of my Hitler-related posts have caught the attention of any Hitler-related people, some of whom reside in Long Island, which is certainly within V-1 rocket striking distance of my home in Connecticut. (They wouldn’t even try to use tanks like their ancestor did in Poland, because of the traffic on the Long Island Expressway.)

Ha ha, just kidding, guys. The “guys” of which I speak are Alexander Stuart-Houston, Louis Stuart-Houston and Brian Stuart-Houston. They are the sons of Hitler’s nephew, William Patrick Hitler, who was born in the United Kingdom to Hitler’s half-brother, Alois Hitler Jr., himself the illegitimate son of Alois Hitler, who evidently very much enjoyed sleeping with young household help.

(Suffice it to say that the Hitler family tree more closely resembles a kudzu vine, the unstoppable invasive plant that grows throughout the American south, suffocating every growing thing in its way. Everybody seems to be somebody’s half-something or other, or is a disputed or alleged or rumored relation, often involving a maid, nanny or die prostituiertefuhrer.)

Where was I?

Right–Hitler’s relatives.

So William Patrick “Willy” Hitler (today he’d probably be known as “Wi-Hi”) made quite a name for himself in the 1930’s giving interviews as “Hitler’s English nephew.” This did not please his uncle, who publicly stated that his favorite nephew was Heinz Hitler, owner of the Hitler Ketchup Company.* So Adolf summoned Willy to Berlin in the same way Donald Trump might summon Eric to the White House. “No one must drag my private affairs into the newspapers,” Adolf told his nephew. “I have never said one word they can use. And now there is a ‘nephew’ to tell them all the miserable little details they want to know.”

I bet Hitler wished someone had already coined the term “fake news.”

Willy ended up going to New York and joining the U.S. Navy to serve in World War II. I’m guessing security screenings have become a bit more stringent since then, although, judging from the FBI’s Kavanaugh investigation, maybe not.

I’m going to pause for a minute here so that we can all imagine the reactions of WWII U.S. sailors when introduced to Ensign Hitler.**

Okay, I’m back. After the war, Willy moved to Patchogue, Long Island with his German wife and changed his name. Twice. First he tried “Hiller,” but when that didn’t provide enough distance from the original, he changed it to “Stuart-Houston” for reasons nobody seems to know. It certainly does sound snootily English, though.

And that brings us to Hitler’s three grand nephews, Alexander Stuart-Houston, Louis Stuart-Houston and Brian Stuart-Houston. They all had pretty ordinary jobs, Alexander as a social worker and Brian and Louis as landscapers (the latter after an unsuccessful career as the comic Louis SH^). Neither of the landscapers had anything to do with this, which is actually in Malaysia.>

Only one of the brothers, Alexander, has spoken to the press, which, naturally, asked him what he thinks of his current leader. “The last person I would say I admire is Donald Trump,” he told the reporter. “He is definitely not one of my favorites.”

It is unclear whether Alexander’s distaste for the President is because he thinks Trump is too much like, or not enough like, his ancestor.

One thing’s for sure: Trump is certainly no Hermann Goering.


See you soon.

*True about Adolf stating that Heinz was his favorite nephew. Not true about the condiment.
**According to real reports, in one instance, a naval officer, upon being introduced to the new recruit, replied, “Glad to see you Hitler. My name’s Hess.”
^Not really.
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