Entry 794: Celebrity News You Missed

I’m back from my week off, and I’m here to get you up to date on some celebrities not named Kardashian.

Let’s start with someone who is missing one of the most important prerequisites for  celebritosity: being famous.

In America, at least, you’ve probably never heard of the young man pictured at right. But he’s very popular in his native Spain. In fact, he’s Miss Spain!

Yes, this handsome lad grew up to be Angela Ponce (pictured below left), who will be the first trans woman to compete in the Miss Universe contest, thus simultaneously striking a blow for the LGBTQ community and against women.

Trans women have only been able to compete for the coveted and irrelevant title of Miss Universe since 2012 when the owner of the Miss Universe pageant decreed that it was okay. That owner, of course, was one Donald J. Trump who, unlike the boy in the photo above, ultimately turned into something he was never meant to be.

Next we visit with actress/singer Hailee Steinfeld, who has added to her impressive résumé by becoming a spokesperson for Post-it Notes®.

Steinfeld says that she is partnering with Post-It Notes to “encourage students to dream big and write their goals down as they get ready for back-to-school. I’m a huge believer in writing everything down including my goals.”

If you ask me, Steinfeld’s message is better suited for a partnership with a company like Mead, which makes legal pads. I mean, how big can you dream on a 3″ x 3″ piece of paper?

Moving on to the world of politics, Texas Senator Ted Cruz was asked by a female constituent if he would be willing to take a DNA test. I know what you’re thinking, but the woman was not accusing Cruz of fathering her child. The proposed DNA test was to prove he was human.

That’s how far American politics has sunk. After all, Barack Obama was only asked to prove he was born in this country, not that he was born on this planet. On the other hand, how about it, Ted?

Returning now to celebrities you’ve never heard of, Christopher O’Neill is moving with his wife and three young children to Florida. This is news only because O’Neill’s wife and three children all have the word “princess” or “prince” before their names.

I know, I know. As an American, you only care about British royalty. But these new Florida residents are Princess Madeleine, Princess Leonore, Prince Nicolas and Princess Adrienne. Of Sweden.

And if you think having its royalty move to Florida isn’t exactly good for promoting Swedish tourism, it’s actually even worse. Because they’re moving from London.

In a press release, the family, which could only look more Swedish if they were all holding herrings, said, “The time and opportunity for the United States is good for the family when the children are still in pre-school age.”

Absolutely. You want to get to Florida in time to enroll the kids in the top-notch Florida educational system, which ranks 32nd in the U.S. which, itself, isn’t ranked all that highly among Western nations. Also, a young age is a good time to get the tattoos that seem to be required for non-Jewish, non-senior Florida citizens.

Seriously, guys, why Florida? And what the hell is wrong with Sweden?*


The answer is, “Only people who don’t have a life care about it.” The question is: “What is Alex Trebek’s beard?”

Finally, we have Jessica Love Hewitt, who felt the need to issue an apology this past spring for her appearance at the Fox upfronts, which is when the network announces its fall TV lineup.

She took to Instagram Story to say, “So we go to the upfronts yesterday and nobody tells me the day is going to be like 12 hours long and the humidity is going to be almost 100 percent in New York so I just have to apologize. Wearing a black suit, not a good idea, that’s A. B, not wearing enough hairspray and teasing in my hair, also a bad idea. I just have to apologize for how, like, wrecked I look in all the pictures that came out.”

Okay, two things about this:

  1. How big a celebrity do you have to be before you can hire someone to tell you what the weather is?
  2. I would totally fail at being a celebrity if you have to apologize for the way you look in public.

See you soon.

*I actually wrote this post last week. Since then, Sweden had its general election, in which a far right, neo-Nazi party got 17% of the votes. So maybe that answers the “What’s wrong with Sweden?” question. But it still doesn’t explain moving to Florida.
This entry was posted in humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s