Entry 790: My Best Friend, Rob Schneider

I hope you won’t think that I’m a name-dropper, but Rob Schneider is a good friend of mine.

Yes, that Rob Schneider. The guy who sat next to the copy machine on Saturday Night Live in one of the show’s unfunniest and most annoying recurring bits..

  • Schneider to employee at copier: “Bill. Bill-ay! The Billster. Bill man. Billy Bill Bill. Makin’ copies.”
  • Employee: “My name is Randy.”

Of course, you may know Rob from his very high brow Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo movies, although I wasn’t aware there was any other kind of gigolo. He has also made quite the career out of playing second fiddle to his other pal, Adam Sandler, who he has never introduced me to. I guess he likes to keep his groups of friends separate.

Anyway, as I said, Rob and I are chums, and I can tell you that he is just as much of a jerk as you’d expect him to be based on the characters he has played.

Ha ha, just kidding, Rob. Schneider’s not an asshole at all. Well, he might be, but I wouldn’t know.

I’ve never met the guy.

But he is my friend . . . on Facebook. Here is proof: there he is (with Sandler, no less) right next to my daughter and granddaughter who narrowly beat Rob out for a position of prominence on my list of friends.

This might be a good time to mention that I have absolutely no idea how Facebook works. I mean, I kind of know how the business works, how they sell advertising along with your highly confidential personal data that you have provided in order to be able to let folks know that the historical figure you most resemble is Attila the Hun. But I don’t really know the primary functions of making friends, and getting your posts to stay on top of people’s timelines, or what the hell a timeline even is, or why if you go on Facebook half a minute after the last time you were on Facebook, the timeline is completely different.

I’ll be on Facebook, and I’ll see something of minor interest but go on to something else and then decide I want to see what that other thing was about after all, so I go back and even though it was at the top of the timeline a second ago, I can’t even find it now. I’m sure my daughter (who should be so proud that she and her little girl are shown before the famous Rob Schneider on my Facebook page) would be able to find it again, as probably would any six-year-old. However I can’t.

But I digress.

So here’s how Rob and I became close friends.

A few months ago, I friended someone I knew in high school. Once I did that, Facebook showed me a whole bunch of new “People You May Know,” some of whom I did sort of vaguely know. Of course I did; after all, the person from high school that I had friended had friended other people from the same high school. So I friended those people, too. Which begat more “People You May Know.” And eventually, Facebook suggested that I might know Rob Schneider, who evidently was friends with one of the high school people whose name I sort of recognized.

Well, okay, I thought. Maybe Rob would enjoy my clever and often hilarious blog posts. So I clicked on “Add Friend.” And later that day, the Robster accepted! The Robinator was now my pal. Ol’ Robby Bob Bobby was my buddy bud buddy!

“Gee,” I thought. “He must be pretty desperate.”

Still, I was excited. Rob was the first SNL person I’ve ever been impersonally disassociated with!

But then a weird thing happened. My “People You May Know” bar started getting populated with very good-looking women, all of whom had one thing in common with each other, and with me: a mutual friend. Rob Schneider.

There were lots of them. At least a dozen.*

I do not know who these women are, or how they know my good friend, Rob. Are they collectively the Rob Schneider Fan Club? Are they groupies? Mistresses? Does his wife know about them?

One thing I do know is that if you walk up to most people these days and read them a list of all the people Facebook says they’re friends with, they wouldn’t be able to identify half of them. In other words, while “the people they may know” may be people they know, the people they do know may not be people they know.

Maybe it’s time we start choosing our friends more carefully, especially if you’re a famous person. You might end up with somebody like me as a friend.

See you soon.

P.S. Speaking of things I don’t know about Facebook, for some reason, it has stopped allowing bloggers to automatically share posts. So if you want to be sure never to miss any of my comical musings (I’m talking to you, Rob), be sure to click the “Sign Me Up” button at the top right of this page.

*Note to my wife: no, I did not click the “Add a Friend” button on any of Schneider’s female friends.


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