So I was reading the New York Post the other day, as I do every day, because I enjoy how the paper demonstrates its journalistic integrity in each issue by displaying large photographs of models in bikinis next to articles about how many people died in an earthquake or, even more impressively, outraged reporting about the latest sexual abuse charges.
This was my opportunity to own a genuine limited-edition coin with a face value of $0 (the same face value at which you can take anything Trump says). The coin is “luxuriously layered in 24K gold” just like many of President Trump’s possessions. The coin comes in proof condition, untouched by human hands, mostly because it cannot be used for anything except maybe scratching off a lottery ticket. Best of all, it comes in its “own protective capsule to preserve it for future generations,” who will then be able to say “Seriously, grandpa? WTF?”
The PRESIDENT TRUMP–CHIEF DIPLOMAT Commemorative Coin is being minted by the American Mint, which is very similar to the United States Mint, in that it makes money. However, unlike the U.S. Mint, the American Mint cannot manufacture money; instead it makes money by creating items such as the Bison National Mammal Commemorative Coin ($79.95) and the Jewelry of the Queens Pendant ($79.90) and finding morons to buy them.
Perhaps the most frightening thing about the PRESIDENT TRUMP–CHIEF DIPLOMAT Commemorative Coin is that it is the first coin in the Presidential Roles of Donald Trump coin collection, meaning there are more to come. Future coins, the ad tells us, will celebrate the many hats worn by President Trump such as Head of State, Chief Legislator, Commander-in-Chief, Chief Executive, Party Leader, Manager of the Economy, and Make America Great Again (although I’m not sure there’s a coin for that last hat). Only by possessing the entire series can one be reminded–in 24k gold layering–just how much trouble this country is in.
Of course, it should be noted that these roles are not only Donald Trump’s presidential roles–they are pretty much every president’s presidential roles. So you can bet that if the American Mint sells out of its “strictly limited” run of only 9,999 complete collections, it is likely to mint additional presidential roles that are exclusive to President Trump, like Chief Wall Promiser, Master Tweeter, Russian Collaborator and Liar Extraordinaire.
And now I have good news for all you fake coin collectors out there (or should I say “Real collectors of fake coins?”). The PRESIDENT TRUMP–CHIEF DIPLOMAT Commemorative Coin which is, according to the American Mint, an $89.95 value, is yours for the “Collector’s Price” of only $19.95. Not only that, but you’ll get a Presidential Watch just like the one President Trump never wears absolutely FREE! The watch alone is worth $49.95 because the American Mint says it is, which means you’re getting $139.90 worth of worthless stuff for only $19.95.
This is such an unbelievable deal, Robert Mueller should be investigating it!
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Can I reasonably expect my PRESIDENT TRUMP–CHIEF DIPLOMAT Commemorative Coin to appreciate in value?”
Yes, of course you can, just like you expected Donald Trump to be a great president. In fact, I can tell you that the American Mint’s first Donald Trump Commemorative Coin, honoring “his historic election,” which was originally sold for $39.95, is now going for . . .
. . . well, it’s on sale for $4.95.
But remember, you’re not buying the PRESIDENT TRUMP–CHIEF DIPLOMAT Commemorative Coin as an investment; you’re buying it as an heirloom that you can pass down to future generations along with your sweaty MAGA cap so that your grandchildren won’t feel guilty about the subpar assisted living place they had to stick you in because of your PRESIDENT TRUMP–CHIEF MEDICARE ELIMINATOR Commemorative Coin.
See you soon.
P.S. I suspect that the New York Post ad was what the direct marketing industry calls “a dry test.” This means that the American Mint will wait to see how many schmucks try to order the coin before they actually make any of them. I suspect this because, as of this writing, if you go to the url in the ad, americanmint.com/742.01, you get a message that says “Unfortunately, the page you requested could not be found. Maybe you will find another suitable product in our offer.” If only that had happened when people tried to vote for him.
P.P.S. Facebook’s new employee, Al Gorithm,* now prevents bloggers from widely sharing their posts. So please help me out by sharing this on your timelines. Thanks.