In one of the most nauseating news stories of 2018, New York Magazine reports that President Trump and Fox News personality Sean Hannity talk on the phone almost every night. According to the report . . .
“All White House phone numbers begin with the same six digits: 202-456. Hannity calls the White House switchboard, a number listed publicly, and reaches an operator. The operator refers to a list of cleared callers, a few dozen friends and family members outside the administration who may contact President Donald Trump through this official channel — among them his adult sons, Eric and Don Jr.; private-equity billionaire Stephen Schwarzman; media billionaire Rupert Murdoch; real-estate billionaire Tom Barrack; Patriots owner and also-billionaire Robert Kraft; and Hannity.”
Trump’s non-adult son, Barron, evidently has to call Mike Pence for fatherly advice, while his daughters, Ivanka and Tiffany, presumably would prefer not to talk to dad while he’s unsupervised.
But getting back to Hannity, the article reports that he calls the White House around 10pm every night, which would be right after his show on Fox News ends. I’m not sure why I find this routine so stomach-churning. Maybe it’s because of the optics. Not the real optics, but the scene playing in my head of Sean and Donny gabbing on the phone every night like two teenaged girls.
Of course, I have no clue what two teenaged girls sound like on the phone, or if they even talk on phones anymore. But according to New York, Sean and Donny’s calls begin with “How are yous and what’s going ons,” so I’ll start there.
Sean: How are you?
Donny: My poll numbers are up.
Sean: What else is going on? You sound triggered.
Donny: NGI, that Michael Cohen has me feelin’ roasted.
Sean: I told you he was sus.
Donny: Then why did you use him?
Sean: Because you told me to.
Donny: Yeah, well I didn’t know he was such a tool.
Sean: Obvi. But don’t be boofin’.
Donny: I’m shook, Sean.
Sean: Can we just swipe left and talk about something nice?
Donny: Wait–what’s “swipe left?” I thought it was “swipe right” when the chick on Tinder is hot.
Sean: Yeah, well “swipe left” is, like “change the subject.”
Donny: Haven’t heard that one.
Sean: I just made it up. So how are things with Vlad?
Donny: I don’t know. I’m feeling curved.
Sean: Don’t be emo. He loves you.
Donny: I think this ship is at peak feels.
Sean: Oh, just say “Bye, Felicia” already. Vlad’s such a wanksta.
Donny: But he was my wanksta.
Sean: What do you think Mueller is gonna…
Donny: Sean, I can’t even. Don’t get me started on that basic bitch. I’m taking care of him.
Sean: Speaking of which, can I ask you a question? Guiliani? For reals? He’s such a creeper.
Donny: I want him in my squad, Sean.
Sean: I don’t know, bruh. I think he’s crashy.
Donny: Netflix and chill, Sean.
Sean: Um, Donny, I don’t think that means what you think it means.
Donny: Like chillaxin, right?
Sean: Not so much, no.
Donny: Hmm. I’ll ask Ivanka next time I see her. I’ll say, “Hey, Ivanka, wanna Netflix and chill?”
Sean: NAGI! NAGI!
Donny: Well, HAK, Sean. gotta go to bed so I can get up early for Fox & Friends.
Sean: Night, Donny. TTYL.
Yes, I think that’s what their nightly calls might sound like.
See you soon.
P.S. Obvi, I had to consult a number of English-to-teen translation websites for this post, and I’m sure I’ve misused terms so that people will be texting “SMH.” On the other hand, I can’t imagine Sean and Donny using the terms correctly either, can you? Donny can’t even use regular English correctly.