Well, Hitler is in the news again, and that’s always fun.
I’m not even talking about the nuts marching around America with their palms up as if they’re on some unusually flat roller coaster going “Wheeeee!” Or maybe they just want to give everyone a Heil Five.
No, it’s Adolph himself that’s sparking all the fuhrer furor right now.
Actually, it’s not Adolph per se, but rather his underwear. A pair sold at auction recently. For nearly $7,000.
The Bavarian boxers are made of linen and bear the initials A.H. so that Hitler would not wear Goebbels’ underwear by mistake. And although you might not actually want to know the provenance of an item like this, it does come with quite a story.
According to Bill Panagopoulos, the owner of Alexander Historical Auctions, it was somehow left at the Parkhotel Graz in Austria in April 1938. Interestingly, Hitler annexed Austria just about a month later. Imagine how different history might be if Hitler hadn’t wanted to get his underwear back.
Alas, he failed. For over 80 years, the family who owned the hotel kept die unterhosen. Or maybe they didn’t clean the rooms very often and just found the underwear last week. (The hotel, pictured below, still exists*–now with free wi-fi!)
Panagopoulos was honored to bring the hammer down on Adolph’s shorts. “We’ve sold underwear belonging to Eva Braun before,” he said, “but never any belonging to Hitler himself. I think this is the first pair to come to market.” Eva Braun, you’ll recall, was Hitler’s wife, and whatever you think of her now, you may think less of her in about five paragraphs.
“When we got them they were wrapped in tissue paper in a box,” Panagopoulos said of Hitler’s underpants. “They were as clean as if they had just come back from the cleaners.” And perhaps they had. Maybe Hitler sent them out to the hotel’s laundry service in 1938 and they got misplaced for awhile.
We don’t know who paid $7,000 for Hitler’s boxers. Maybe he (if it is a he) thinks owning such a thing will help him pick up women. (“Wanna come up to my place and see Hitler’s underwear?”) Or perhaps he also has the aforementioned Braun lingerie, and is now in the market for some Bormann briefs or Göring garters.
In any case, it’s good to know the shorts were clean. Especially when you consider this other bit of Hitler news:
Adolph liked poop sex.
This, according to the OSS, the precursor to the CIA. Evidently, Hitler didn’t care much for golden showers, but very much enjoyed having women provide chocolate hailstorms, if you get my drift. (I don’t know what, if anything, that particular fetish is really called, so I made something up. I hope you like it.)
To sum up, then: Adolph Hitler was a shitty human being who left his underwear laying around and possibly once left Austria commando style. On the plus side, given that his underwear was monogrammed, at least his name wasn’t something like Bruno von Dietrich.
See you soon.
*The hotel’s website, which it probably didn’t have back in Hitler’s day, is heavily skewed toward business functions. “The exquisite function rooms do also cater for seminars, conferences and meetings,” it says. “All function rooms dispose of daylight and can be used for events for up to 95 guests.” I know what they’re trying to say (I think), but doesn’t the phrase “dispose of daylight” sound almost…Hitleresque?