My fellow Americans,
Lately I’ve been thinking that I should bomb the hell out of Comcast headquarters.
I’ve come to this conclusion not because of anything Comcast has done to me personally. I don’t even have Comcast as my terrible cable TV/Internet/phone service. I use Cablevision to provide those services in a consistently horrible fashion.
However, I want to protect my fellow Americans from bad companies, and 55% of you have said you don’t like Comcast, which makes it one of the most hated companies in the land. So I’ll be bombing them for you, my countrymen. Oh, and countrywomen. And country transgenders. And so forth.
You may be wondering why I have decided to jump into action against Comcast. Well, frankly, it’s because my readership numbers are down, and, as any president can tell you, if your numbers are down, you need to blow something up.
Americans love that.
Don’t get me wrong; you don’t like going to war. Well, that’s not quite true. You don’t like being in a war. You don’t mind going to war as long as it’s over quickly, like the first Gulf War. That was a good one. Wham, bam, thank you Saddam.
It’s the sticking around part we don’t like. Go in, bomb some stuff, get out. That’s the kind of conflict Americans prefer. So, like I said, I figure I’ll bomb the hell out of Comcast headquarters, really shock and awe those cable devils, and watch my numbers soar. But I’m not going to make the mistake of hanging around afterward, getting Americans killed by insurgent communications industry executives planting improvised coaxial cables.
I get it, my fellow Americans. We like blowing stuff up safely. We’re risk-adverse. We don’t get the whole suicide bombing thing. We prefer to annihilate things from as far away as possible. With that in mind, you may want to know where Comcast headquarters is. You know, just in case you don’t want to become collateral damage. Well, I don’t know where it is. If I cared where it was, I would have my son-in-law Alex look it up for me. Sons-in-law are great for that kind of thing. I tried to find Comcast on a map, but I don’t even know what part of the country to look at, or what colored state it’s in. Just like two thirds of Americans cannot locate North Korea on a map. And I wouldn’t be surprised if the map they used had the country names on it.
Now, it may be true that Comcast poses little or no threat to the island of Guam. But let’s get back to the real important issue here: my numbers. I figure if our president’s approval rating can shoot up six points just because he shook his fist at Kim Jong-un, I should get the same effect from threatening something Americans really hate: bad cable service.
In fact, getting all red-faced about North Korea worked so well for President Trump, he’s yelling about Venezuela now. And I’m watching closely. Because if I don’t see my numbers shooting up, I may have to aim my fury at another hated corporation, and Bank of America will be in real trouble.
See you soon.
P.S. Unlike our president, I do not actually have the wherewithal to increase my popularity by threatening to send in the military. But feel free to share this blog anyway.