Entry 676: Quickies V

Often, I come across stories about which I have a few snide comments, but not enough for a full post. So every once in awhile, I collect them for a Quickies post. This time, as a bonus, I’ll be introducing each story in the annoying manner of The Daily Skimm, which is a morning news briefing in the style of the snarky millennial woman at your office.

What to say when your broken car horn gets fixed…

“Beep repaired.” In case you thought young girls don’t spend enough time online, there are now Girl Scout merit badges for cyber security. I guess they’ll learn how to prevent identity theft, protect systems from hacking, and crack down on computer fraud. So you better watch out, Mr. Putin. We’re sending our Brownies after you, and they ain’t bringing cookies.


What to say when your husband says he visited Pornhub for research…

“LIAR!” The New York Times devoted an entire page recently to publishing lies told by Donald Trump. This is a perfect example of fake, biased news. It was fake news because many of the lies had been told months ago, so they weren’t news. And it was biased because it looked like more lies than there actually were, since the list included multiple mentions of the same lie (for instance, blaming airport chaos in the wake of the initial travel ban on a Delta Airline computer malfunction) if Trump told it more than once.

I think if you tell the same lie often enough, it becomes an alternate fact, not another lie.

What to say when you’re missing an ingredient for cold sesame noodles…

“Now where did I put those seeds?” Hidden approximately 400 feet deep inside a mountain on a remote island between mainland Norway and the North Pole is something called the Svalbard Global Seed Vault. Inside are seeds from all of the world’s food crops, kept naturally at a temperature that will preserve them for later planting.

The idea is that, in case of apocalypse like nuclear war, climate change or alien invasion, we could revive life on Earth with this storehouse of seeds, providing that anyone is left alive to plant them, and there is a place left on the planet where they will grow.

Unfortunately, extreme temperatures in the Arctic this past winter — combined with heavy rain instead of snow — led to melting permafrost that gushed into the tunnel leading into the vault, and also caused a power outage that prevented pumps from expelling the water. While it turns out the seeds were not damaged, they could have been, because, in creating a vault intended to preserve seeds to keep us alive in the event of cataclysmic climate change, the crack scientists forgot to account for climate change. This leads me to think that perhaps we should not be relying on scientists to solve global warming for us.
What to say when your husband calls down to you while you’re in the basement…

“Be right up.” I’d like to visit Australia someday, but it just takes too long to get there. A direct flight is like 22 hours, which makes it totally inappropriate for a long weekend. So I’ve been waiting for teleportation to be invented so I can go to Australia, but it turns out that may not be necessary, because Australia may eventually come to me. Apparently, the whole continent is drifting north at a rate of about 2.75 inches a year due to tectonic plate activity or some such thing. So all I have to do is fly to San Diego and wait a few hundred thousand years for Australia to show up.

Unless it ends up in Japan.


What to say if you’re a druggie and someone asks you what your favorite Monopoly property is…

“Borderwalk.”  While I’m in San Diego waiting for down under to come up over, perhaps I’ll take a stroll along the Mexico border in the hope of getting hit in the head by a bag full of marijuana.  My president seems to think this is a common occurrence.
What to say in the 7th inning of a scoreless Mets-Phillies game…

“I can’t think of anything more boring.” A computer scientist named William Tunstall-Pedoe has developed a search engine called True Knowledge, which he programmed to analyze 300 million historical facts in order to come to the conclusion that April 11, 1954 was the most boring day of the 20th Century. According to Tunstall-Pedoe, “Nobody famous died, no noteworthy events took place, and the only person who might claim a notable birth was Turkish academic Abdullah Atalar.”

I find this analysis to be a tad upsetting because April 11, 1954 is only 55 days from the day I was born. What if nothing much had happened on that day, either? So I looked up the front page of the New York Times for my birth date, and the biggest story was President Eisenhower going on vacation, which, given the frequency of our current leader’s golf outings, would be even less of a story today. But since True Knowledge didn’t call February 15, 1954 the most boring day, that can only mean that it ranks my birth higher than Abdullah Atalar’s.

It’s one of the nicest things anybody has ever not quite said about me.


What to say to the guy at the bar wearing a day-glo t-shirt…

“You light up my life.” A new app allows individual citizens to control the spire lights on two Manhattan skyscrapers. So far, one of the primary uses has been for guys to impress women they’re trying to pick up. So, in other words, they are attempting to attract women by illuminating what are essentially giant penises.  The app is limited to 10,000 users, and you have to be invited by another user to get the download, meaning that the app is being passed from one asshole to the next.

What to say when your plane crashes and everyone dies except you…

“It could have been worse.” A man peeing into a lagoon was bitten by a crocodile. On the arm.

See you soon.

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