Entry 669: Deportation May Be Too Good for Them

There has been a lot of discussion in our country lately about immigrants, and I think it’s about time I added my opinion to the debate.

I think we should send them all back where they came from.

I should clarify: When I say “all,” I mean all those from India who reside in Evart, Michigan.

Actually, when I say “from India,” I mean they at least sound like they’re from India. I guess I could make sure by asking them to spell a difficult word, but that would be stereotyping. (And, by the way, congratulations to Ananya Vinay, winner of this year’s Scripps National Spelling Bee, and the 13th consecutive Indian-American champion.)

Oh, and when I say “reside in Evart, Michigan” (as I did the paragraph before last), I mean that they at least work in Evart, Michigan. I don’t know where they actually live. Come to think of it, I don’t know that they necessarily work in Evart, only that they work for a company in Evart. Come to think some more, with the technology available, they could be working for the company in Evart while actually being in India.

That would make it difficult to deport them.

So, to reiterate my stance on immigration: I want to deport everyone from India, or who sounds Indian, and who lives in, or works for, a particular company based in Evart, Michigan. If that describes you, I want you out of the country immediately, and possibly shot on sight, even if you’re reading this while comfortably ensconced in your home office in Bangalore, or even if you’re an American citizen, or even if your name is Richard Longmire III whose ancestors came over on the Mayflower and you happen to do a terrific Indian accent.

The key thing that puts you on my deportation list is your association with that company in Evart.

Unfortunately, I do not know the name of the particular company whose employees I wish to evict from America and perhaps murder in cold blood. All I know about it are two things:

  1. Its phone number is 231-836-7565.
  2. It is very annoying.

According to the town’s website, Evart is an “outdoor recreational paradise along the Muskegon River.” And yet, many of its citizens seem to spend most of their time indoors, calling me. If it keeps up, I may soon be able to say that I have heard from all 1,903 of Evart’s citizens. Or at least all the Indian-sounding ones. The website doesn’t show that Evart has a motto; I’d like to suggest “Mumbai on the Muskegon.”

You see, virtually every day, my phone rings, and the caller ID window says “Evart MI 231-836-7565.” I have clients in Michigan, and, although they’re in Grand Rapids, the first couple of times Evart called, I thought it might be one of them calling from home, since I have no idea how far Evart is from Grand Rapids.

“Hello, sir,” said the first caller with his Indian inflection, “I am calling regarding the problem with your computer.”

Since this happened to be one of the rare days on which I was not having a problem with my computer, I hung up.

The next day, Evart called again. “Hello, sir,” said the second caller, a woman this time, “I am calling regarding the problem with your computer.”

“Stop calling,” I replied, and hung up.

I catch on quickly, so when Evart called on the third day, I answered with “I am NOT having problems with my computer!” to which the caller replied (and I swear this is true), “Hello, sir. I am calling regarding the problem with your smart TV.”

Since then, as the Evartians kept calling, I have gone through four of the five stages of dealing with telemarketers:

  1. Slamming
  2. Ignoring
  3. Cursing
  4. Emitting a high-pitched noise somewhat similar to that made by a fax machine.

The fifth stage, of course, involves purchasing one of those aerosol air horns and blasting it directly into the receiver.

I did a reverse lookup on 231-836-7565, trying to get the name of the company, but instead found a bunch of telemarketing complaint sites groaning (see below) about persistent calls from that number.  So I guess I’m not the only one they’re calling.

And, yes, I’ve read all the online tips advising to get on the DO NOT CALL list, and to be careful not to say anything to these guys, especially the word “yes,” because they record it and then use your voice to get credit cards or some such thing, and so now I’m back to ignoring Evart, but I really think a much better solution to my problem would be to deport the Bombay bastards.

Even if they’re from Detroit.

See you soon.

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