Why it’s bad to be the President: I don’t usually find myself in a position of feeling sorry for Donald Trump, but you do have to kind of sympathize with a guy who gets an approval rating on an almost daily basis. I don’t think many of us could bear that sort of scrutiny in our lives. (“Mark doesn’t empty dishwasher; approval rating plummets!”)
Why you shouldn’t exercise: New research presented at the European Congress on Obesity showed that stopping exercise for just two weeks led to significant changes in body composition, including increases in total body fat and loss of skeletal muscle mass. This is precisely why I never exercise. If I never start, I don’t have to worry about what happens if I stop.
Why headline writers should be more careful: The headline read “Miley is rethinking her shows after bombing,” leading me to believe that nobody was showing up to her concerts, and that those who did were horribly disappointed. I truly felt bad for Miley, until I clicked through to the story and learned that her career had not tanked. “Miley Cyrus reveals how she’s rethinking her shows after bombing” read the actual headline of the article, “at Ariana Grande’s concert.”
Why wars get started: As previously reported in this blog, there has been an artistic disagreement going on in downtown Manhattan, where a “Fearless Girl” statue has been placed defiantly in front of a “Charging Bull” statue, causing the bull artist, Arturo Di Modica, to claim that the entire meaning of his piece has been altered. Now a third artist, Alex Gardega, has entered the fray, seemingly as an ally of the bull guy, by installing a small statue of a dog peeing on Fearless Girl’s leg. While he was forced to remove it after a couple of hours, it’s only a matter of time before a matador statue shows up to stab the bull, and then a pedophile statue is placed behind the girl, and then a butcher statue, and then an abusive husband statue, and so on until somebody drops an H-Bomb statue on the whole damn thing.
Why you should be careful what you sign up for: Team Trump has just launched a subscription service called Big League Box which will deliver an exciting “handpicked bundle of exclusive and vintage OFFICIAL Donald J. Trump merchandise” to your door every month. Judging from the picture accompanying the announcement, the merchandise seems to be caps, mugs, buttons and other stuff they still have laying around from the last campaign. I’ll skip the question of just how much Donald Trump merchandise even his most ardent supporters can hoard, and get right to the more intriguing query: What could they possibly send that could conceivably be described as “vintage?” A Trump steak? A Trump University student ID? A photo of Trump shaving Vince McMahon’s head at Wrestlemania? Oh, and in case you’re interested, each Big League Box will set you back $69. And, it bears repeating: that’s every month!
Why you shouldn’t quit your job to be in a movie: A pair of documentary film makers are searching for volunteers who will accept $250 a week for two years just to be filmed while deciding how to spend $250 a week. The movie is intended as a demonstration of the affect on people’s lives of “Universal Basic Income” (UBI), an economic theory that the world will be a better place if we removed financial stress with “a periodic cash payment unconditionally delivered to all on an individual basis, without means-test or work requirement.” It will be interesting to see who they end up using in the film, because for some people, $250 a week would be a lifeline that enables them to, for instance, eat, while for others, it would be completely disposable income they can use for frivolous stuff, like a Big League Box subscription.
Why Catholics don’t need to appear in documentaries: Because they can follow the Pope’s advice for relieving stress, financial and otherwise. Each night the Pope writes down all his problems in a letter to Saint Joseph, then slips the note beneath a statue of the patron saint of workers and the man believed to be the father of Jesus. Studies have revealed that writing down your troubles can, indeed, relieve stress. And if you can’t afford your own statue of St. Joseph, you can just put your letters under a bottle of his aspirin.
Why Spell Check isn’t always helpful: Sometimes it’s because it makes ridiculous substitutions, like once when I wanted to say “autopay” and my iPhone changed it to “autopsy.” Other times, Spell Check can be totally stumped. President Trump is really good at that, like in his now-famous tweet “Despite the constant negative press covfefe.” As an experiment, I typed those exact words into my iPhone, and it had not a single alternative suggestion. It just put “covfefe” in quotes, as if to tell me “This is such gibberish, even Siri can’t make heads or tails of it.” Trump tried to make a joke of it the next day, writing “Who can figure out the true meaning of ‘covfefe’ ??? Enjoy!” Well, as a part-time humorist, I certainly am enjoying his presidency, but not so much as an American, or a human being. However, considering the security leaks in his first few months, I kind of doubt that “covfefe” is some sort of secret code. From context alone, and with just my brain rather than some fancy algorithm, I’ll bet he was trying to type “coverage” but his thumbs got tired.
See you soon. Why? Because I like you.