So I was scanning the Internet news one morning and I came across this headline:
Icelandic Farmers Find Real-life ‘Unicorn’ on Their Land
Well, I thought, at least the headline wasn’t total click bait. It’s didn’t say, for instance, “You’ll never guess what mythical feature was found in Iceland.” And it even put “unicorn” in quotes to tell me it wasn’t a real unicorn.
“During the peak of unicorn food trends, Icelandic farmers came across the real thing. A ram, who was born last spring to Erla Porey Olafsdottir and her husband, Bjarni Bjarnason, is a real-life unicorn, according to a translation from the local newspaper the Iceland Monitor. The farmers appropriately named the creature Unicorn.”
It goes without saying that this raised two important questions:
- How the hell do people in Iceland pronounce each other’s names?
- There’s a unicorn food trend?
I don’t know the answer to the first question, although I suspect that when you visit Iceland, you hear many of the natives yelling, “Hey, you!” at each other. The answer to the second question was easy to find, simply by Googling “unicorn food trend.” The answer is: “Yes, yes there is.”
I was excited at first, because I was looking forward to trying some unicorn beef hash with a side of unicorn on the cob. It seems, however, that unicorn food does not involve the killing and cooking of unicorns.
Nor is unicorn food what you feed a unicorn. This is a good thing, because no one is entirely sure what a unicorn eats. According to a real website called “Harry Potter Answers:”
“The first hypothesis is that it eats as a normal horse would, grass, oats, hay and the like…The second, although seeming far-fetched and wild, is widely accepted. It is believed that the animal does not need to eat at all, being an animal of the Gods. It simply absorbs the solar power of the sun, drawing the energy directly from it. Many believe that the horn plays a major role in this process.”
Where was I? Right–unicorn food. Apparently, that term refers to any edible thing that is multi-colored, whether or not it has a horn sticking out of it. I know that immediately brings pancakes to mind, but this trend goes way beyond that.
There are unicorn cakes, cupcakes, popsicles and donuts. There is unicorn hot chocolate. If you don’t have a sweet tooth, there are unicorn burgers, unicorn sushi and something called “unicorn poop veggie dip.” There is even a website with healthy unicorn recipes for dishes like unicorn noodles and unicorn energy balls (which, I’m assuming, you can only get from male unicorns).
Starbucks is selling unicorn frappucinos.
According to the New York Times, my source for all things unicornish, this horrible trend began when a “wellness blogger” named Adeline Waugh started experimenting with a natural food dye — beetroot — to “add a pop of color to my photos.” She posted them, and “all my followers started saying it looked like a unicorn…” Here’s a picture of her creation–toast. Looks just like a unicorn, doesn’t it? Maybe it would if you’d just consumed some rainbow mushrooms.
In any case, this all makes me very confused, primarily because I always thought unicorns were white.
And, by the way, can you guess which demographic group has embraced unicorn food more than any other? No, not the LGBT community. No, not children, but you’re getting warmer.
Yes, that’s right. Millennials.
See you soon.
P.S. In case you’re wondering, the Icelandic unicorn named Unicorn actually has a genetic defect that has caused its horns to fuse together. But at least people can pronounce its name.