Entry 636: What Does the Pope Know?

Mark’s Note: With leading biologists and ecologists gathering this week for a conference at The Vatican, President Trump asked Scott Pruitt, his pick to head the Environmental Protection Agency, to write a rebuttal to whatever scientific hokum comes out of Rome. This reporter has obtained an early draft of this document from a reliable source who thoroughly enjoyed the electric widow’s peak sharpener I got him as a “thank you.”

FROM THE DESK OF SCOTT PRUITTscott_pruitt_epa_official_portrait_cropped1
Administrator, Environmental Protection Agency

To: President Donald J. Trump
Re: Vatican conference

First, let me take a moment to thank you again for choosing me to head up the EPA, a job I feel totally qualified for based on my years as president of the Republican Attorneys General Association. As you are aware, that organization has a very close relationship with the oil industry, so I was able to learn all I need to know about environmental issues.   I also meet the prerequisite for most of your appointees: I’m an old, rich, white guy.

The first claim that will emerge from the highly overrated “scientists” who are gathered in Rome is that about half the species currently on our planet could become extinct by the middle of this century.

Even if I was inclined to accept that at face value, which I’m not because I don’t want to, that assessment begs the question: Which half? I think you’ll agree, Mr. President, that if it’s the half that includes kale, Mexicans and those stupid bugs that show up every 17 years and make a racket, it’s nothing to worry about. And don’t worry, sir, I have it on good authority that meat loaf is not one of the species in danger.

We know that the conference in Rome will be as biased as CNN, since the Pope is a tree hugger from way back. He’s even on record as saying, “Because all creatures are connected, each must be cherished with love and respect, for all of us as living creatures are dependent on one another.”

I’m gagging just typing that quote, sir.

Certainly we can not expect a gathering under the auspices of such a person to disclose the truth about the climate change hoax. Some of these liars are already saying that we’re facing a disaster even worse than Obamacare, an “extinction event” such as the one that wiped out the dinosaurs. Perhaps, as a talking point, Kellyanne can refer to the dinosaur massacre.

These so-called scientists also talk about humans as an invasive species. Well, that’s exactly what you’ve been saying, Mr. President! It’s why we can’t let just anybody into the country!

Regardless of anything reported by the liberal Catholic press this week, I don’t see why we should pay any attention to it. I mean, what the hell is The Vatican anyway? It’s some kind of “independent state.” Is that the same thing as a country? I’ve been there, and it’s just a hundred or so acres in Rome guarded by a bunch of Swiss guys who couldn’t even keep terrorists out of their own country. No, wait, that was Sweden.

And everyone over there is always talking about the Holy Sea. Is that where holy water 15474767620_6139fd54b0_b1comes from? Are they worried it’s going to get polluted? I didn’t even see any oceans near The Vatican, although I did get some nice action figures for my kids.

In conclusion, sir, I don’t think we need to give much credence to fake news about fake science coming out of a fake country.

I’m off now to check on the progress of the Dakota pipeline. And, by the way, on that subject, we can have Sean Spicer tell the press that if we’re already going to lose half the species even before we build the pipeline, we might as well go ahead and build it. Let’s see Pope-what’s-his face argue with that logic!

Keep up the good work, Mr. President.

Yours,
Scott Pruitt

P.S. I just looked it up, and evidently it’s “The Holy See,” not “Sea.”  What the hell is a See?”

P.P.S. Saw your speech to Congress last night.  Amazing!  You are the best President ever.  BTW–There’s nothing to that rumor about you dissolving the EPA, right?

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One Response to Entry 636: What Does the Pope Know?

  1. gloria ruggiero says:

    see 2 |si:|
    noun
    the place in which a cathedral church stands, identified as the seat of authority of a bishop or archbishop.
    ORIGIN Middle English: from Anglo-Norman French sed, from Latin sedes ‘seat,’ from sedere ‘sit.’

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