There’s just no pleasing some people.
Take Melania Trump for instance. According to numerous sources, she is not enjoying her stint as first lady. “Miserable,” is the word I keep seeing.
Most women, I think, wouldn’t mind being FLOTUS, at least for longer than a month. You’re surrounded by handsome Secret Service guys with coils coming out of their ears; you get to dress up for state dinners; you can escort Benjamin Netanyahu’s wife on a tour of the National Museum of African American History and Culture (and wonder what Mrs. Netanyahu means when she says, “So this is a whole museum for schwartzes?”); and you can probably get on Ellen during the 12 days of Christmas when she gives things away. I bet you can even see Hamilton whenever you want, if you don’t mind having the cast give a speech to you after the show.
On the other hand, I’m not sure Melania enjoys moments like the one pictured at left: being among “the people” in Florida, apparently launching your husband’s premature reelection campaign by reciting the Lord’s prayer, which may not have been a great choice considering it includes the phrase “rescue us from the evil one.”
You also hate the White House because it’s white and not gold, so you have to live at Trump Tower, which is such a dump. And you have media outlets saying you were a prostitute, thus derailing your intentions of illegally using your position to start a business, possibly involving importing Russian caviar at suspiciously advantageous prices.
All in all, I guess we shouldn’t be surprised that Mel is miserable as first lady. After all, look who she’s married to.
In any case, FLOTUS’s dissatisfaction is nothing compared to that of one Jane Park, who is suing Great Britain’s National Lottery for allowing her to play when she was only 17. Actually, it wasn’t the playing that got Jane upset, it was the winning.
Her life, she says, was ruined when she suddenly gained over a million pounds, a statement which, by itself, should be enough to make the Brits want to switch over to some other currency. I mean, you’re less likely to think I’m talking about Kirstie Alley if I say she suddenly gained 1.25 million dollars.
It’s okay, though, because Jane had no trouble whatsoever shedding those extra pounds. She bought a purple Range Rover and two residential properties, and has also used her winnings for “plastic surgery, designer shoes and extravagant nights clubbing.” Judging from her selfie at right, I think we can be fairly certain about which area her plastic surgeon was focused on.
But Jane is about as merry as Melania. She says, “People look at me and think, ‘I wish I had her lifestyle, I wish I had her money.’ But they don’t realize the extent of my stress. I have material things but apart from that my life is empty. What is my purpose in life?”
I read about Jane in the New York Post, which will extensively cover any story that can conceivably include breasts. But it’s unclear what exactly Jane is suing for. If she’s suing for money, I think her lawyers should be cautious. If they win the suit, they could be next.
But, you know what? This humble blogger doesn’t just report the news. He solves people’s problems. So here’s what I propose: I think Jane Park (below left) and Melania Trump (below right) should trade places. Melania is already used to having money to shop with, so she could live like a princess in Great Britain, which probably wouldn’t even notice one more princess. Meanwhile, Jane could live in style without stressing about money, because the First Lady doesn’t actually need cash; she just motions for one of the guys with the ear coils to pick up the tab.
And judging from Jane’s photo, I don’t think President Trump would mind the switch.
He might not even notice the switch. After all, both women would be immigrants.
See you soon.
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