For some years now, I’ve started my mornings with a good ol’ cup of Joe and the important news of the day, as delivered to my computer via Facebook.
I liked beginning my day with updates on various people’s statuses, and puppy videos, and inspirational sayings, and invitations to take tests in order to determine which famous dead people I would most likely enjoy meeting at a dinner party and which emoji I most resemble.
But a few weeks ago, that all changed.
Now, before I can even swallow my first dose of caffeine, I have to learn (to use just one morning last week as an example):
- That Republicans want to dump coal into streams.
- That the nominee for Secretary of Education is against public schools.
- That people who are up in arms about voter fraud are registered to vote in three states.
- That one of the major issues concerning our President is the ratings of a reality TV show.
- That Steve Bannon, a racist who looks disconcertingly like Russell Crowe, might join the National Security Council.
- That one of the only people attempting to bring even a hint of sanity to the halls of Congress used to be on Saturday Night Live.
- That the bombing of a mosque in Canada by a Christian is a good reason to keep Muslims out of the U.S.
- That more Americans were killed last year by lawnmowers than by jihadist terrorists.*
- That a five year old boy was handcuffed at a U.S. border for being a “security threat.”
- That I should check to see if my Facebook account had been hacked.
- That the Queen of England can legally kill the President of the United States with a sword.
- That somebody named Mary Velegol, who I’ve never heard of and yet is somehow a Facebook friend, wants me to “Stand with Trump” merely by pressing “like.”
- That Ted Cruz, who once read Green Eggs and Ham for, like 24 hours, is accusing the other party of being obstructionist.
- That our President not only thinks Frederick Douglass is alive and well, but that he “has done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more.”
- And that avocado caulifower toast is a good, low-carb breakfast.
So now I’m already nauseous, and hoping that at least some of this stuff is fake news** so I can build up the courage to venture outside my house long enough to walk the dog.
But, wait–Facebook isn’t finished with me yet, because even as I chew my first bite of a Protein One bar (like I would ever eat avocado cauliflower toast), I’m bombarded by calls to action: people I should call, petitions I should sign, letters I should write, protests I should join.
Now I’m nauseous and exhausted from thinking up reasons why I’m not going to do any of those things. All I want to do now is crawl back into bed.
So, I hate to ask this, I really do, because I’m totally in favor of free speech and all that, but, please…can we reserve Facebook for puppy videos until 9 am?
Thank you and see you soon.
*And yet we still allow lawnmowers into the country. **Turns out none of them were.