I ended my previous post by saying “Personally, if I ever go to sleep one night in Connecticut and wake up in another state, I hope it’s Hawaii.”
I may have to rethink that.
That’s because my sister-in-law Karen and her two sons, Evan and Jason, recently returned from a vacation in Hawaii. They visited Pearl Harbor, hiked around some volcanoes, got lei-ed, probably ate pineapple…you know, all that Hawaiian stuff (although I have not seen pictures of any of the three of them in grass skirts).
…was the toilet bowl in their hotel room at the Four Seasons.
I should pause here to mention that Karen and the boys do not come from the hills of Appalachia. None of them plays the banjo. They are fully accustomed to indoor plumbing.
But this toilet bowl was a porcelain pièce de résistance for unparalleled pooping. It was, according to my relatives, the absolute Number 1 choice for Numbers One and Two.
It was (drum roll please)…
Jason and Karen both said that I just had to do a post about this technological marvel for your tush. So enthusiastic were they, I fully expected that they had brought home a postcard depicting their experience. (“Whizz you were here!”)
Evidently this thing cleaned your front, cleaned your back and even cleaned itself. It lowered and raised its lid. Listening to them talk about it, I wouldn’t have been surprised to learn that the Toto Washlet had an attachment for men that popped out to shake you dry.
But I’m getting ahead of myself in describing something that is obviously a head of its time.
Since I have no immediate plans for visiting a hotel with such an elaborate anal apparatus, I instead visited the Toto website to see what all the fecal fuss was about.
And guess what? The website has videos!
In one, we see the three-way automatic lid opening and closing…not just the top-top, but the bottom top…all while a woman’s legs walk by, I guess to let us know that the automatic lid function is mostly intended for the ladies.
A video about “Ewater” tells us that:
“…electrolyzed water is a proven disinfectant used in food preparation and cleaning. After each use, ewater+ mists the bowl with electrolyzed water, reducing the need for harsh cleaning chemicals.”
I was particularly interested in watching the video for the heated seat. How would they demonstrate that in a family-friendly way, I wondered. Disappointingly, all it showed was the seat getting red.
The video for “premist” explained how wetting the toilet bowl surface “aids in the elimination of waste about 80 percent better than a dry bowl.” This is the same principle used for the slides at water parks; if they didn’t have water flowing down the slides, 20% of the visitors would get stuck along the way. And I hope Toto gave a nice bonus to the person who did the measurements for this study. (“Yes, see this beaker here? I collected 20% more waste from the dry bowl. Allow me to show you in my Powerpoint presentation.”)
While watching the videos, I was shocked to see that many of the functions were operated with a remote control, which leads me to this question: Why the hell would you need a remote control? I mean, how far away from the bowl can you be? Especially when we’re talking about the “front cleanse” and “rear cleanse,” which kind of require you to still be sitting there!
Speaking of which, the videos for those cleansing functions are absolutely terrifying. I am not making this up: a little trap door opens up on the inside of the bowl and this round tubular thing with three holes on the end emerges, looking disconcertingly like those recorders they give to middle schoolers who do not have the musical ability to play real instruments. And it’s big! I don’t know where this thing thinks it’s going, but you’d better hope certain of your orifices are premisted, if you get my drift. Fortunately, you can adjust the wand position, and adjust it again, and again, and so forth until you’re, um, satisfied.
You can even make the spray pulsate or oscillate. It’s like having a little hoo-ha spa. And when you’re all finished with your bathroom break which, if you use all this bowl’s functionality, should take about an hour and a half, you can use the warm-air dryer to make you feel fresh and dry as you come out of the bathroom with a huge grin on your face and lay down to take a nap, because, really, what else can you do after all that misting, and rinsing, and cleansing?
Here’s the thing: If you want to install a G500 in your house, that’s fine. You’ll have plenty of time to learn how to use it. But to put one in a hotel room seems inordinately dangerous. You get some guest irresponsibly playing with that remote control (like, for example, two nephews who are now old enough to drink), who knows where that tubular thing with the holes will go!
In conclusion, I believe I’d like to retract that line from my last post. Connecticut might not be a thrill-a-minute, but if the most exciting thing in Hawaii is a high-tech toilet, I think I’ll stay put.
And I’d like to say to Karen, Evan and Jason that I’m so glad you enjoyed your trip. Too bad all your future poops will pale in comparison.
See you soon.
P.S. Since this post is about family, I want to tell our cousin Douglas, who recently said to me over dinner, “How come you never mention me in one of your posts?” that now I have.