Entry 614: Rudolph the Bluetooth Reindeer

Hey, everybody, it’s Mr. Dumbtech here, with great last minute gifts for those on your list bbtwho agree with the immortal words of Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory: “Everything is better with Bluetooth.”

At the time, Sheldon was talking about Penny’s flower-design hair barrettes. And, in keeping with that tradition, I have curated some similarly stupid Bluetooth products for my readers. I am not making any of these up.
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Let’s start with the Oral-B Genius Electric Toothbrush, the perfect dental hygiene tool fors-l2251 anyone who can’t keep track of their mouth. According to the product description…

“…the Genius 8000 seamlessly connects with the Oral-B smartphone app via Bluetooth technology to provide you with customized real-time feedback about your brushing habits, including our highly advanced Position Detection technology that ensures you never miss a zone.”

51kt137w3kl1Yes, it’s the one item that should have been invented as soon as Bluetooth was introduced…a  Bluetoothbrush!  It’s what you’ve been waiting for: a dental device that connects to your smartphone!

Seriously? You need help remembering which “zone” you’ve already done?  “Um, let’s see, I did the upper left, the lower left, the upper right and…was there another one? Let me consult my phone.”

Of course, this toothbrush doesn’t only help you keep tabs of all four of your mouth quadrants.  It also helps you give each part of your mouth exactly the 30 seconds it needs. It’s the brushing supervision you’ve been missing since you were six years old! And in case having your very own dental Nazi isn’t exciting enough, as an extra bonus, you get to explain to people why you have a toothbrushing app on your phone!

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For the millennials on your list who are anxious to begin having whatever the next generation is going to be called, we have First Response™ Pregnancy Pro, the “first pregnancy test that syncs with your smartphone.”

Ladies, you’ll only want to use this product when the contract with your cell carrier is reaching its end, because, after all, once you pee on your smart phone, you won’t be wanting to make calls on it.

Wait–I just read the instructions, and it seems that’s not how it works. You have to download an app (“Yes, Ginger, that’s my pregnancy notification app. Do you think it should go in my Apple Wallet?”). Then you pee on the stick in the normal fashion (assuming there’s a normal way to pee on a stick). That’s when the app kicks in, providing (and I swear the instructions actually say this) “entertaining activities while you wait for your results.” In this manner, you can find a few Pokemon characters while you find out if you’re pregnant.

When the test is complete, you “enter your unique PregPro code…and tap the Pair button pregto deliver your secure results to the First Response App.” Perhaps you’re wondering why this is better than simply looking at the stick for the result. For the support, stupid! If you are pregnant, the app gives you resources and information about your pregnancy. If you’re not, it tells you how to get pregnant, and possibly provides a daily automatic text from your mother saying “When will I be a grandmother already?”

Maybe, when your fetus is far enough along, the app will permit it to take a selfie so you don’t need sonograms.

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Next we have something for the person on your gift list who drinks water.

Since our evolutionary ancestors first dipped their monkey lips into a stream to drink, humankind has yearned for a foolproof way to know exactly what the right amount of daily cuptime1water is. For millennia, men and women had to settle for saying, “Hey, I’m thirsty. I should drink something.”

But in the 21st century, humans don’t drink anymore; they hydrate. And they need help to do that. That’s where the Moikit Smart Cup comes in. Using advanced Bluetooth connectivity, it sends messages to your smartphone or wireless fitness device with information about how much water you’ve consumed that day, and how much is left in your cup at that moment. It also has an “accurate temperature sensor which warns when water is too hot to drink, and reminds you when it’s just right.” This is important if you often fill your water glass from the hot water faucet. With this item, you’ll no longer have to decide if the glass is half empty or half full; you’ll know that it is exactly 37% empty (or 63% full).

If you’ve always wanted a cup that beeps and vibrates to tell you it’s time to be thirsty, this is for you!  And here’s a tip: when the beeping and vibrating starts getting annoying, I’ll bet you can just dump the water and trick the thing into thinking you drank it.  Dumb Bluetooth device!

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If you know somebody who loves to cook but doesn’t like to be in the kitchen, you’ll want b5dd641e-0364-40b7-98bb-2c95c860d755-jpeg-_cb303826455_1to get them the Anova Culinary Bluetooth Precision Cooker. It clamps onto any pot you have laying around to allow you to make delicious meals “sous vide” style. “Sous vide” is French for “the way your mother used to make Green Giant frozen creamed spinach.” Basically, you put whatever you want to cook in a plastic bag, toss it in the water, and set this device to cook it. So far, so good. But, like many Bluetooth devices, this item has one unnecessary feature, namely the Bluetooth. The Anova Culinary Bluetooth Precision Cooker has Bluetooth in case you want to “cook remotely.”

So let’s say you’re stuck in traffic, and you’d like a delicious boiled meal waiting for you when you get home. Assuming you’ve had the foresight to put stuff in a bag and put the bag in a pot of water and attach this thing to the pot before you left the house, you can now use your phone to tell it to start cooking, and then explain to the police officer that you weren’t texting and driving, you were just sending a message to your cookware.

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61hcr3ux16l-_sy355_1For the New Age-y kind of person on your list, there’s the E-Diffuser Smart Aroma Essential Oil Diffuser, a humidifier that also disperses your favorite smells into the air, assuming your favorite smell isn’t something like Eau de Fart. Like some Bluetooth devices, this uses an app to basically turn your phone into a remote control, which is great for those times when you want to stink up a room while you’re not in it. Because, otherwise, you can just press the button on the device itself.
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Finally, right about now, I’m sure you’re thinking “But, Mark, surely there is a Bluetooth-maxresdefault1enabled device for the avid fisherman or woman on my gift list.” Of course there is! It’s the iBobber Wireless Fish Finder, designed so that “anglers of all skill levels and types can take the latest in portable sonar fish finding technology with them on the go.” Yes, once you needed a whole submarine in order to use sonar to locate fish, but now all you need is your smart phone!

The iBobber lets anglers “mark fish, map depth contours and underwater structure, save water temp, weather and location, species, photos and hot spots and choose to share on social media directly if desired.” This, by the way, is a common desire of fisherpeople–to find a spot that is teeming with fish and then tell 51kxnl3ihl-_sx300_1a bunch of other fisherpeople about it.

Obviously, this item isn’t so much for the casual fisherperson who goes out on a lake in the hope of catching a fish or two while consuming large quantities of beer.  No sirree, bobber!   This is for the committed angler who likes to launch an all-out assault on fish!  For those folks, this might actually be the most practical use of Bluetooth technology of any item on this list. Just one word of warning, though. If you buy it for someone, be sure to also get the G-Cord Universal Clear Waterproof Case Protective Cover Pouch Dry Bag.

See you soon.

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