Entry 613: What’s the Matter With Kids Today?

Talk about your ungrateful children!

SOFIA VERGARAModern Family star Sofia Vergara is being sued by two of her offspring. And I absolutely know for sure that she was not a bad parent to them. I know that because they haven’t been born yet.

You see, Ms. Vergara is being sued by her embryos.

Lest you think that the plaintiffs in this case may have potentially damaging inside information, it should be noted that they are not currently residing within Sofia’s insides. They aren’t even residing within the state in which they filed suit.

The embryos, whose names are Emma and Isabella (although you won’t find those monikers on their birth certificates because, well, you know), are in California. However, the potential girls are suing in Louisiana. I do not know where Ms.Vergara is.

I say “potential girls,” but I can’t find any information as to what gender the embryos actually are, or if they’re even far enough along to have one.  But since their father has given them traditionally female names, I’m hoping he knows something, or else one or both of his children may have identity issues if they are ever born enough to have some.

Meanwhile, while litigation is pursued, Emma and Isabella’s assets have been frozen. Wait, that’s not quite right. Emma and Isabella have been frozen.

You’re probably pretty confused right now.

Let me try to explain.

Once upon a time, Sofia Vergara had a fiancee named Nick Loeb. The couple wanted la-et-mg-sofia-vergara-ex-nick-loeb-address-embryo-fight-on-morning-tv-201505071children, but not just then, because it would have been inconvenient. So they made some embryos via in vitro fertilization and stored them away for use at a later date, kind of like canning peaches.

Then Nick and Sofia split up. And, as there usually is when a couple separates, there was a custody battle. Over the girlcicles.

Mr. Loeb’s argument is as follows: “A woman is entitled to bring a pregnancy to term even if the man objects. Shouldn’t a man who is willing to take on all parental responsibilities be similarly entitled to bring his embryos to term even if the woman objects?”

I guess one possible response could be, “Hey, Nick, if you can personally bring them to term, go for it.” Sofia Vergara’s response, on the other hand, was to point out that they had signed an agreement that neither party could do anything with the embryos without the other’s consent. (Continued after photo)

embryosSo that’s why Emma and Isabella had to take matters into their own not-quite-formed hands.

And here’s where it gets really fun.

You’ve probably guessed the reason why the proto-girls are suing in Louisiana instead of California, which is where you’d expect an insane legal case like this to take place. The reason, of course, is that Louisiana is a right to life state. But Emma and Isabella aren’t suing only for the right to be born. They’re suing because…

…wait for it…

…not allowing them to be born is depriving them of their inheritance.

Really. That’s the claim in the court papers.

Some legal experts have the opinion that Nick Loeb is actually behind this new lawsuit because, let’s see, why would that be? Oh, right. The plaintiffs are frozen in a test tube and thus unable to sign their names to legal documents. Further, even if they weren’t frozen, they would be the most minor minors ever to file a law suit in America.

Many legal experts also have the opinion that the suit has no merits and doesn’t stand a chance, not even in Louisiana. Those legal experts clearly have not examined the history of absurd legal outcomes in the U.S. I mean, if someone can successfully sue McDonalds because they spilled coffee on themselves and it turned out to be hot, what’s to say currently non-existent people can’t win a suit against their possible future mother?

I am not a legal expert, but it seems to me a simple way for Ms. Vergara to win this case is to rewrite her will to explicitly exclude those greedy brats, Emma and Isabella. That way, not being born won’t deprive them of their inheritance.

Anyway, this legal battle is really  starting to heat up, which could be a big problem for the girls given their current state.

Modern family indeed.

See you soon.

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