Welcome to SNN, the Santa News Network, all Santa, all the time. And now, these actual breaking stories from around the country.
Dateline Oregon: Santa Banned from Schools
The Hillsboro School District has banned all religious-themed decorations in classrooms, including Santa Claus.
Although I may not be totally up to date with the New Testament, I’m pretty sure there’s no mention of Santa in the Bible. I don’t think the Pope has mentioned him recently, either, although advertisers use him religiously. But, okay, I get it. The fat guy is associated with Christmas, which is a holiday that could be said to have Christian overtones, what with it celebrating the birth of Jesus and all.
And while our modern depictions of Santa did, indeed, evolve from various Christian traditions, I think he became kind of secular when he began drinking Coca Cola. Certainly, his image is not “religious” in the same way Jesus’s is, or any of your major saints’ or apostles’. I mean, you generally don’t see car commercials where St. Peter drives around in a Mercedes Benz.
What the Hillsboro School District is doing, of course, is winterizing the holiday season. “Winterizing” is the trend in which our government entities are only allowed to use snowflakes and snowmen and, well, other inclusive snowy things to get into the holiday spirit. After all, while not everyone in a community celebrates Christmas, all citizens, regardless of faith, get to dig out after a blizzard.
Dateline Minnesota: Mall of America Welcomes its First Black Santa
First a black President and now this!
Whether or not you support the Black Santas Matter movement, you have to admit that this is just the kind of step forward that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and his supporters fought so hard for: the right to dress in a ridiculous costume and field requests from greedy little kids regardless of the color of your skin.
Like school desegregation and voting rights, this landmark in racial equality didn’t come about easily.
It began when Landon Luther, owner of the Mall of America’s Santa Experience, decided he wanted a “diverse St. Nicholas that kids of color would be able to relate to.” Yes, certainly, children of color will feel more comfortable requesting toys from someone who more closely resembles the other adults in their lives: a fat, black man with a large white beard and a hat with a pompom.
“We want Santa to be for everyone, period,” Luther said. Well, anyone who can afford the Santa Experience package of photographs, anyway. Because that’s the only way kids of any color are getting near Black Santa’s lap. You see, the Santa at the Santa Experience is available by appointment only with the purchase of a picture package. Otherwise, you have to wait on line with the other cretins to visit the free-of-charge mall Santa for the masses.
But you have to admire Luther’s ambition to integrate the North Pole. He’s sort of a latter-day Branch Rickey, the Brooklyn Dodgers executive who searched for the perfect man of color to break the color barrier in Major League Baseball.
But first, Luther needed to find his own Jackie Robinson, although possibly not as athletic. So he sent a scout, Santa Sid, a 20-year veteran at Mall of America, to find one at a Santa convention in Branson, Mo., where nearly 1,000 Claus clones convened for a “Kringle family reunion” in July.
“It was like finding a needle in a haystack,” said Luther.
Um, not quite. The guy they found, Larry Jefferson, was literally the only Black Santa at the convention. So this wasn’t exactly a Where’s Waldo puzzle we’re talking about.
Dateline North Pole: Santa Gets a Smart Phone
Yes, folks, Santa has finally joined the digital age and gotten himself a smart phone with which, for a mere $9.95, he will be happy to send your child a text every day before Christmas.
And this isn’t one of those broadcast texts that’s the same for everyone. Santa will mention your child’s name, pet, home town, maybe even food allergies. And best of all, on Christmas Eve, he’ll take a selfie while he’s in your house delivering presents and send it to your child on Christmas morning.
It strikes me that arranging for your child to receive daily text messages like the one at right will set him or her up for a lifetime of paranoia and perfectly position your offspring for a career running a crazy conspiracy theory website. If you want to enhance the effect, when you send TextsfromSanta.com a picture to Photoshop Santa into for the Christmas morning selfie, be sure it’s a picture of your child sleeping.
That way, your son or daughter will grow up to become a well-adjusted adult who spends Christmas Eve curled up in a corner with a bottle of cheap whiskey.
But if you’d prefer your children not to think of Santa as a creepy stalker, you can send them to Santabot.com, so they can think of Santa as a wise-cracking asshole instead. Here is a question I typed in, and Santa’s snarky response.
With Santa spying on kids and having live sarcastic chats with them, it’s no wonder the Hillsboro School District doesn’t want him decorating their classrooms.
See you soon