It’s that time of year when everyone can use a little extra cash to buy gifts for loved ones, like that $2,800 Sonia Rykiel coat that your wife wants even though you think it will make her look like a gorilla wearing a vest. Or those $1,195 Saint Laurent roller skates for your daughter that you know will result in her being hospitalized due to an unfortunate accident involving texting and skating, but at least she’ll get some exercise. Or perhaps you have a girlfriend you want to impress with a $43,000 personalized Tibaldi Bentley Crewe fountain pen, like the one actor Robert Pattinson bought for Kristin Stewart, although it is unclear whether there is a causal relationship between that and her having an affair with her director and/or coming out as bisexual.
Unfortunately, you don’t make nearly enough money to afford such luxury items, and you don’t want to start 2017 buried in credit card debt or, worse, without credit cards entirely because the bank figured what the hell would you be doing buying $1,195 roller skates, so they canceled your cards due to suspected fraud.
Okay, so clearly you need to pick up some extra cash, and you need to do it quickly. Maybe you’re considering driving for Uber or Lyft in your spare time, but you might be surprised to learn that chauffeuring millenials around in your 2007 Corolla isn’t as lucrative as you think.
That’s why I’m pleased to tell you about a way you can make thousands of dollars in your spare time:
Become an exorcist!
Yes, that’s right! For some reason, the Roman Catholic Church is experiencing an extreme shortage of exorcists. Really! It is simply not as popular a profession as it once was. Plus, there has been a sharp rise among those practicing black magic. In addition, an increase in drug use and pornography has helped fuel a steady uptick in Satanic possessions.
In other words, it’s a problem of supply and demon.
All of this according to the International Association of Exorcists (motto: “Get the hell outta there!”), which is a real organization that has received papal recognition from the Roman Catholic church. It even has a website where, for a donation of as little as $3 “we will put your name and a continual prayer for you on this website.*” But even if you can’t afford to give an offering, they’ll be happy to add your name for the intercession of Christ to help you. And for those of you in colleges with tri-semesters, the intercession of Christ is very different from your intersessions, when you travel abroad for “educational purposes” such as learning how the French French kiss or “studying” the societal influences of legal drug use in Amsterdam.
Where was I? That’s right: drug-and-porn-induced demonic possession.
So a fellow named Valter Cascioli, a real person who is a consultant to the International Association of Exorcists, had this to say about the exorcist shortage:
“The lack of exorcists is a real emergency. There is a pastoral emergency as a result of a significant increase in the number of diabolical possessions that exorcist priests are confronting.”
If you’re like me, when you read that quotation you may have thought that perhaps demons were responsible for a reduction in grazing lands for cattle and sheep. But it turns out “pastoral” has two meanings, and Cascioli meant “pastoral” in the “pastor” sense and not in the “pasture” sense.
In any case, the church’s pastoral emergency is your profit opportunity. Because now you can make extra holiday cash battling the devil!
At N.O.S.E., you’ll learn everything you need to know about possession! Courses include:
- Latin for Beginners: When they start talking in tongues, you’ll be able to talk back!
- Levitation and Other Myths: The movies have it all wrong. The vomit is purple!
- Family Counseling: How to help the possessed one’s family deal with the heartbreak of living with Satan.
- Holy Water How-To: It has to be sprinkled a certain way so you don’t make a mess.
- 27 Insults that Get the Devil’s Goat: He’s easier to fight when he’s really pissed off.
- He Hasn’t Really Met Your Mother: How to ignore a demon’s taunts.
In just two weeks, you’ll graduate with a Certificate of Exorcism and a FREE set of tools to assist you in earning big cash money. You’ll receive:
- A 1 oz. bottle of holy water
- A personalized ID card
- A bible, with Post-it notes indicating the good pages
- A silver-plated crucifix
- A holy smock
- A $10,000 accident insurance policy
- Ad slugs to help you advertise your services online and in your local Pennysaver.
Soon you’ll be able to buy your loved ones everything on their wish lists with money to spare. But hurry–open enrollment ends December 1. Don’t miss out on this chance to rid the world of evil and make extra cash doing it!
P.S. Easy payment plans are available.
P.P.S. Enroll within 24 hours to get a FREE BONUS: our exclusive pamphlet 25 Useful Latin Curse Words and Phrases. With this handy reference, you’ll be able to battle Satan with such popular epithets as:
- Te futueo et caballum tuum (“Screw you and the horse you rode in on”)
- Es mundus excrementi (“You are a pile of shit”)
- Puto vos esse molestissimos (“I think that you are very annoying”)
- And many more.
See you soon.
*Just out of curiosity, who would want their name on the exorcist website? Prospective employer: “I’m sorry, Mr. Dunn, but our HR department Googled your name and you turned up as being demonically possessed. I’m afraid we’ll have to rescind our offer.”