Entry 602: A Message from God

When it finally happened there were no burning bushes, no miracles, no plagues, no floods, no thunder, no whispered voice from the heavens.

There were no messiahs and no prophets.

There were emails. Billions of them. And texts. For those without Internet access, there were sudden interruptions on radio and television. For those without electricity, there were pieces of paper that fell from the sky like snow, everywhere in the world, over oceans and islands, over mountains and deserts. In the rain forests, they somehow found their way through the tree canopy.

The papers were blank until you picked one up. Then writing appeared, in whatever language you happened to understand.

It all arrived at the very same time. And whether it was in Swahili or Swedish, Hebrew or Arabic, English or aboriginal, it started with the same three words:

“I am God.”

There are a few cultures in the world that have no concept of a higher being. Their people read on anyway. Perhaps this god person was from a neighboring tribe.
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If the first sentence of the message was shocking, the second was insulting. “I am God,” read the opening. “And you are idiots.”

Here are some choice excerpts:

mail
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“If you believe in God,” the message continued, “congratulations. You got that right. But don’t celebrate, because you got just about everything else wrong.

“If you don’t believe in God, don’t worry. I won’t hold it against you. You’re right about a lot of the other stuff.”
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“It’s true I am the creator. I am the creator of your world in the same sense that a baker is the creator of a cream pie. Once I placed it in your hands, it was out of mine. You could enjoy it, or you could smush it in someone’s face.”
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“Do you think your world is the only one I created? That is not the case. Why would you think that unless you’re all egomaniacs. Your scientists think there are at least 200 billion galaxies in the universe. That is also not the case. There are many more. And I created all of them. So, really, how much attention do you think I pay to you?”
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“I did not create humans in my image, especially not this guy. There are beings on a planet approximately 137 light years from Earth that sort of look like me. But that was just an accident of evolution.”
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“Yes, evolution.”
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“I could tell you what happens to you when you die. I could also tell you what happens at the end of Star Wars Episode IX. But I’m not into spoilers.”
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“You’d probably like to know which of your religions I think is best. If I had to choose, I’d say Phil Kowalski’s religion is pretty good. Phil lives in Aspinwall, Pennsylvania with his wife, two kids, and three dogs. His religion’s main tenet is ‘Leave everybody the hell alone.’ I believe he refers to both of his followers as Philistines.”
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“Anybody who says they’re doing God’s work is lying. I haven’t asked anyone to work for me. I don’t need anyone to work for me. Think about it: if I can do everything your clerics say I can, why would I need any help? Besides, my work was done when I finished creating everything.”
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“Yes, that’s right. Everything has been created, at least as far as I’m concerned. I’m done. There’s enough. Now I just watch. I don’t interfere. I don’t save. I don’t punish. I don’t help. I just watch. If that’s so hard to believe, why did you invent television?”
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“Here are some examples of things you have completely wrong:

1. There’s no need to worship me. I’m all-powerful. I don’t need your love and admiration.
2. Praying to me is a waste of time. I’m not interested in helping you in any way.
3. I didn’t make any rules. Your religions made all those rules. I have nothing to do with them.
4. I have done nothing to enhance the exploits of any athlete on your planet.
5. There is not a single person on Earth that has a God-given talent.”
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“I have no interest in saving the queen, or blessing America, or protecting Russia. No matter how often you sing those horrible songs.”
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“Speaking of America, I don’t care if you mention me when you pledge your undying loyalty to that piece of cloth, but I really wish you’d take my name off your money. It’s not as if businesses are more likely to extend credit to people who believe in me or refuse payment from people who don’t.”

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“While I think of it, one more thing about America:  Where did you come up with those two lunatics?  Is that really the best you can do?  I happen to know that there are 32, 379 people currently living in your country who are smarter, saner and more trustworthy.  I did some math, and even after you eliminate the 22,007 of them who aren’t power-hungry enough to run for the office, and the 4,214 who are under 35 years old, and the 19 who are actually terrorists, and the 1,739 who will die soon, and Kathie Lee Gifford, you’ve still got a few thousand more qualified candidates than the two you chose.  And, not that I’m endorsing anybody, but Phil Kowalski is one of them.”
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“Stop blaming me for stuff. Stop thanking me for stuff.”
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“Stop using me as an excuse for killing each other.”
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“Yes, I think people who give to charities are doing a good thing. It’s nice when you help each other, whether it’s with money or just lending a hand. But I want you to know that it’s not going to get you anything from me. Just do it because it’s right.”
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“I’ve noticed that people aren’t any more likely to tell the truth or do a good job after they say ‘So help me God.’”
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“Why do you keep asking me to bless people when they sneeze? Don’t you think I have better things to do? Besides, if I was going to do that, why wouldn’t I also bless them for coughing? Or throwing up.”
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“I’m off now. You won’t hear from me again for a long time. Remember all those galaxies? That’s a lot to watch.

Excuse the interruption. Carry on. Bye.”
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Some people believed this really was a message from God. Some people didn’t.

Nothing changed.

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