Entry 598: VOTE LOTE

As we come down the home stretch of this year’s presidential election, it is clear that many Americans are planning to vote for L.O.T.E.–the Lesser Of Two Evils. For some people, this may mean voting for the candidate that is less likely to have committed a federal crime. For others, it may be the one who is less likely to be insane.

But what if we had additional choices?

I’m not talking about the Libertarian Party and the Green Party. Their candidates are Gary (“What is Aleppo?”) Johnson and Dr. Jill Stein (whose main issue seems to be whether or not she’s against vaccines). While possibly more honest and even-tempered than the frontrunners, this pair doesn’t appear to be any more qualified for the office.

Instead, maybe we should give more serious consideration to some of the other 1,910 hopefuls (really!) who have actually filed a Statement of Candidacy and who are delusional enough to believe they are running for president.

Yes, I know. That’s a lot to choose from. So I’ve narrowed it down a bit…to four. These are people who have made it onto at least 15% of the ballots (according to Ballotpedia.com) but do not have the financing to create commercials telling you how bad the other candidates are.

castle20161Darrell Castle, Constitution Party–Mr. Castle is from Tennessee and has been promoted from his position as the party’s vice-presidential candidate eight years ago. He operates law firms in four states. His firms specialize in bankruptcies, so Castle is very qualified to run a country that is trillions of dollars in debt. Judging from his appearances in online videos for the firm, he seems to have all the charisma necessary to run for office, if he happens to be running against an eggplant.

One of his big issues is banking policy. He advocates for “ending the Federal Reserve so lenders and borrowers could set their own interest rates, and so Americans could use any form of currency, including bitcoin.” I have sometimes ranted about bitcoin in this blog, and while it might be fun to use currency that has no basis of value whatsoever and fluctuates by large sums on a daily basis, I’m a bit put off by the phrase “any form of three-stooges-million-dollar-bill1currency.” I can’t wait to see people start trying to pay for stuff at Walmart with a goat. This prospect has me so excited, I’ve sent his campaign this genuine one million dollar bill to help fund his efforts.
Roque “Rocky” De La Fuente, Reform Party–You didn’t know this, but Mr. De La Fuente was a candidate for the Democratic nomination this year.* His campaign ended when he discovered that “Roque ‘Rocky’ De La Fuente for President” didn’t fit on a rocky11button.** Rocky then tried to get the Democratic nomination for senator in Florida and lost that, too (and by only 54%). But, like his movie namesake, he keeps on fighting, even when it is obviously having an effect on brain function.

If you don’t trust either of the two main candidates, you should know that De La Fuente got his start as a car salesman.

As if he is a contestant on Jeopardy, each of his views is in the form of a question, such as “What if we divorced our federal government from the influence of lobbyists?” or “What if we viewed our federal government as if it were a private sector entity that had to compete in the global market?” or “What if colleges and universities returned to competing for students on a basis of the quality of education they deliver as opposed to the quality of facilities?”

Instead of a campaign, it seems like Rocky is running a brain-storming session in which he would like us, the public, to participate. Gee, I don’t know Rocky. What if you had a clue how to actually do any of these things?
Evan McMullin, Independent–This former CIA guy (who, judging from the photo below, doesn’t seem very happy about running for president) is running on a 13-point platform, which immediately makes him suspect, because everyone knows you don’t do 13 of mcmullin1anything. It’s unlucky. That’s why he’s not likely to be elected. That, and maybe the fact that nobody’s ever heard of him.

I also think that some of the items on his platform are unrealistic. For instance, #4: “Our leaders must be honest and wise. They must put the public interest ahead of their own, acting with integrity, transparency, and good judgment.” That’s just silly.

And what about #5: “We share responsibility for service and civic duty. Every American has a responsibility to serve our communities and our nation. It is our civic duty to be informed and engaged on important issues, and seek out leaders who will uphold our rights and serve the people.” If the American people have proven anything, it’s that they have no interest in being informed or engaged in important issues, unless by “important issues” we mean the size of candidates’ genitalia.
Gloria La Riva, Party for Socialism and Liberation–Well, first, I think we can all agree that nobody from this party will win. The name of the party is just too long. Plus her gloria-dennis-vote-socialist1running mate, Dennis Banks, is a Native American, so if he ever starts talking about deporting immigrants, he could be talking about almost everybody.

Ms. La Riva describes herself as a “ labor, community and anti–war activist.” She has actually been awarded a Friendship Medal–from Cuba. This positions her very well for America’s new Cuban policies, but not very well for actually getting elected to anything…unless she’s running for mayor of Havana.

Still, La Riva is clearly more qualified than Evan McMullin because her plan only has 10 points, which is a nice, even number. However, her first point “For the earth to live, capitalism must end” will probably somewhat limit her campaign contributions. On the other hand, she may not need any because of her last proposal: “Seize the banks.”
Well, there you have it. Now, instead of voting for L.O.T.E., you can vote for the lesser of six evils.

Or L.O.S.E.

See you soon.

*This is true.
**This is not, I think.

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