The Times of Israel reports that the Israeli Postal Service (motto: “Neither snow nor rain nor any other kind of tsuris stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds, although they do take the day off for many Jewish holidays you’ve never heard of.”*), has a new policy governing mail addressed to God.
It is now delivering the letters to the Western Wall, where visitors traditionally place handwritten notes of prayer and wishes in the cracks between its stones.
According to the article:
“The postal service said the letters arrived from all over the world, including Russia, China, France, Nigeria and the United States. They were addressed to God, Jesus or ‘Our Dear Father in Heaven.’”
I have a number of questions about this:
- I see some of the letters come from America. How come it’s a miracle if the United States Postal Service can deliver a letter across the street without a zip code, but it somehow manages to get an envelope with nothing more than “To God” all the way to Israel?
- I notice from the list above that God also gets mail from Nigeria. I hope that’s not the same Nigerian prince who’s always bothering me. If I didn’t fall for that scam, what are the chances God will?
- Why do people assume God lives in Israel? Or do they think He** has an angel pick up the mail at the Jerusalem Mailboxes, Etc.?
- For that matter, God is supposed to be everywhere. Why not just send your letter to God, c/o IKEA? That way, even if God doesn’t answer, maybe you’ll get a nice catalog.
- How much postage do you need to speak to God?
- Do Andrew, Bartholomew, John, Thomas, Peter, James the Elder, James the Younger or their friends get any letters? It would be nice if they did, just so we could refer to the Apostle epistles.
- What horrible sin did an Israeli mail carrier commit in order to be assigned the route that includes sticking letters between the stones of a wall?
- What was the Israeli Postal Service’s old policy regarding this correspondence? Return it to the sender stamped “Moved, No Forwarding Address?”
- What the hell? He’s God, not Santa Claus! You’re supposed to pray, people! God doesn’t want it in writing. He doesn’t want His children to have to buy stamps. He doesn’t want to risk getting paper cuts opening envelopes. And He’s certainly not going to write back. Heck, when Moses went up to the mount, he came down with two stone tablets, not a couple of postcards! Just because you have faith that God exists doesn’t mean you have to believe in the infallibility of the postal service. There’s probably more evidence of the former than the latter.
And finally, what’s up with the snail mail? God is all-powerful, so He must have decent Wi-Fi. And Jesus certainly knows we’re in the 21st Century; after all, it’s only the 21st century because we date such things from his death. You want to write to your Dear Father in Heaven? Send an email!
Really. Here’s how:
You can‘t email Him directly, of course. You used to be able to, but then someone hacked God’s Gmail account and started sending out spam in His name. So now you have to send a note to the Western Wall Heritage Foundation, which promises to forward your message to The Lord (no attachments, please) by placing it between the holy stones. One might assume they print it out first; otherwise there might be a lot of laptops sticking out of the wall.
And I mean a lot. As of this writing, the Foundation has delivered 517,035 emails to the Wall.
Might I suggest that if you want yours read, you should come up with a really interesting subject line.
See you soon.
*I actually have no idea if it’s true about the holidays. **Or She.