Boy, am I pissed!
This according to NASA, which has determined that the Earth’s axis has shifted so that it no longer points in the same direction as it once did, which changes the whole alignment of something or other, and thus screws up everybody’s Zodiac signs.
And by “everybody,” I mean 86% of us.
More importantly, I mean “me.”
Here is NASA’s realignment of birthdays to Zodiac signs:
- Capricorn: Jan 20 – Feb 16
- Aquarius: Feb 16 – March 11
- Pisces: March 11 – April 18
- Aries: April 18 – May 13
- Taurus: May 13 – June 21
- Gemini: June 21 – July 20
- Cancer: July 20 – Aug 10
- Leo: Aug 10 – Sept 16
- Virgo: Sept 16 – Oct 30
- Libra: Oct 30 – Nov 23
- Scorpio: Nov 23 – Nov 29
- Ophiuchus: Nov 29 – Dec 17
- Sagittarius: Dec 17 – Jan 20
I’ve spent my whole life being an Aquarius. It was nice being associated with water, even though I didn’t like going in the pool that much. But, hey, I had an entire age named after me, with a song and everything. I belonged to the sign of visionaries, unconventionality and intellectual independence, which described me exactly, if, by “visionary,” we mean “often able to come up with a good direct mail package.”
Aquarians are “verbally skilled and very witty…they can deal with any type of personality and adapt to any situation.” Again, me to a tee. Or a T. Or some tea. (I actually have no idea which is correct, or what that cliché even means.) I can, in fact, deal with any type of personality, often by ignoring them. And I can adapt to any situation by leaving.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “But, Mark, you’re birthday is February 15*, so you were always on the borderline. Surely you don’t have to undergo a complete personality change because of this.”
Well, first, don’t call me Shirley. Second, I could name a good number of people who are rooting for me to have a complete personality change. And third, if I’m a Capricorn, I’m damn well going to act like a Capricorn, because Capricorns tend to see life in black or white, with no gray areas.
1. Why is Scorpio only one week long? Every other sign gets a month, more or less. Scorpio gets only a few days, which is going to severely reduce the membership of the Scorpio Club (motto: “We’re distrusting and secretive, so you better know the password.”) Plus, those few days are frequently going to fall during Thanksgiving week, so they won’t even be business days. At right is the only example I could find of a Zodiac wheel with the new alignment. Poor Scorpio is now like the Rhode Island of the Zodiac.
2. What the hell is Ophiuchus? You Aries people should enjoy this, because you like new things. (But, before you like it, make sure you’re still an Aries.) Ophiuchus (pronounced to rhyme with “off, mucus”) is the sign of…well, some guy wrestling with a snake. If you’ve suddenly discovered that you’re an Ophiuchus, you probably think that really sucks, because Ophiuchusians tend to be hyper-critical. But, take heart! You’ve also got strong sexual magnetism! And you’ll need it when you’re in a bar and someone asks you what your sign is and you say something that rhymes with “off, mucus.”
“That sounds disgusting,” the person will say, “but you’re hot!”
I’m going to conclude with an actual conversation that just occurred between myself and my wife Barbara as I was writing this post:
ME: Hey, Barb, what’s your Zodiac sign?
ME: “Not any more. You’re a Virgo now.”
BARB: “What? I’ve been a Scorpio my whole life.”
ME: “Well, now you’re a Virgo.”
BARB: “Who changed it?”
BARB: “I’ve been a Scorpio for 62 years. I’m not changing now. That’s ridiculous.”
Take that, NASA.
See you soon.
*Make a note. Send me something nice.