Once again my retirement plans have been thwarted!
As I’ve previously reported (at the links that follow), I considered retiring to Newark, NJ, but then Newark was rated 150th on a list of 150 places to retire. I looked at Traverse City, MI, which was the best city to retire, but then I discovered that we’re a few decades of global warming away from me being able to live there in winter. I even thought about bidding on Buford, WY, because, back in 2012, the entire town was up for auction with a starting price of only $100,000. But it ended up selling for $900,000 to some Vietnamese guy who changed the name of the place to PhinDeli Town with the intention of turning PhinDeli into an international brand of coffee.
Then I thought maybe I’d look outside the United States. This line of thinking started to look much more urgent as the presidential campaign took shape. I investigated the Kingdom of Enclava, which was a brand spanking new country somewhere in Europe, but it turns out that if my wife and I moved there, we’d double the population. So I relocated my search to Asia.
Specifically North Korea.
Also, one of our dollars is equal to about 900 North Korean Wons, so I’d be rich over there, if they let me keep any money. I could easily afford to drop ₩10,000 on lunch and even leave 2,000 for a tip, if they allow that sort of thing. I could even exchange one of my Wons for Chons, which are their coins. That way, if anyone asked me for money so they could enjoy an evening out on the town, I could give them some and say, “Everybody have fun tonight, everybody Won Chon tonight.”
And don’t even get me started on soup!
But what kind of house could I afford in North Korea? I went to the real estate website SupremePeoplesTrulia.com to see what was on the market, and found a place in this charming retirement community in West Pyongyang (motto: “The Supreme People’s Ft. Lauderdale”). It features amenities such as somewhat straight roofs; cable TV (two channels!); environmentally-friendly outdoor clothes dryers; and free photographs of the Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un.
So I was all ready to suggest to my wife that she visit SupremePeoplesGap.com and pick out some joseon-ots, which women in North Korea wear for formal occasions, like walking the dog (and protecting it from poachers). But then came the following announcement, which completely quashes my plans to acquire a Jong-un-style toupee:
Kim Jong-un Suspects Citizens Are Mocking Him, Reportedly Bans Sarcasm
This would not be a problem for my wife, who is sarcasm-impaired. But I doubt I could go more than a couple of days before blurting out something like “Is that the Supreme Leader’s new nuke, or is he just happy to see me?” And our daughter is even worse than me; if she ever came to visit, she’d be shot on sight.
So once again, I am looking for a place to retire. Which leads me to this question:
Can you get good kimchi in Newark?
See you soon.