Well Thursday I’m once again heading down to the Ft. Lauderdale area. It’s my favorite destination…if the alternatives are prison and the dentist.
I’ve written often about how much I hate the place, and how I sometimes root for global warming just so the entire state will find itself underwater during my lifetime. It’s going to end up underwater by the end of the century anyway, or so the scientists say, but I want the satisfaction of seeing it happen.
Hopefully it won’t happen while I’m there, though, which I am frequently to take care of various issues concerning my mother. And, as I said, I’ll be there again this weekend, at the end of August, when the climate is likely to be somewhat akin to the weather on the planet Mercury, only more humid.
And now, not only do I have to dread the usual stuff: afternoon monsoons; near-continuous strip malls; utterly charmless architecture; obnoxious attorney billboards; old people driving massive cars in totally random ways; railroad crossings where you can get stuck for what seems like hours while a 50-car freight train goes by; drawbridges where you can get stuck for what seems like hours while a single yacht goes through; and the world’s largest congregation of Subway franchises…
…I also have to look forward to:
>Brain-eating amoeba. Amoeba are stupid. I mean, if I was a brain-eating amoeba, I would go someplace with a better-quality food supply. But these single-celled numbskulls chose Florida, and they just attacked a resident of Broward County, which is where I’m going!
And in case you’re thinking that these creatures are rare, here’s what the local newspaper has to say about them:
“If you cup your hands and scoop up water in any lake or stream in Florida during the summer, there’s a good chance you’ve scooped up some of them.”
Yeah, well, I’m pretty sure I’m not even going to venture into the swimming pool at my hotel, unless it’s to escape from one of Florida’s leprosy-causing armadillos, about which I’ve written previously.
News of brain-eating amoeba in Florida is really too easy a subject for a humor writer, so I’m not going to spend much time on it, other than to say I wouldn’t be surprised to see stores selling amoeba netting to help citizens protect themselves.
>Virus-carrying mosquitoes. Hopefully, if I purchase one of those amoeba nets, it will also protect me from mosquitoes carrying the zika virus so I don’t have to wear a condom the whole time I’m down there (ah, another lovely billboard). Yes, I know, these little guys are mostly hanging out in Miami, plus I’m not planning on getting pregnant in the near future for about 30 million different reasons, but still…I don’t like mosquitoes anyway, even if they’re only carrying a small purse.
>Face-eating lunatics. A young man in Florida got high on something called Flakka, killed a couple in their home, and began eating their faces. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But, Mark, this was a one-time crime perpetrated by a stoned college student who has been apprehended. Surely you do not need to fear having your face become an appetizer while visiting your mother.”
Shows what you know. Florida has seen face-eating episodes before; I even wrote about one about four years ago. And that time, the face cannibal was naked!
Actually, the intriguing part of this story is that the attack on the couple occurred while they “were relaxing in their garage.”
This raises an important question: Who the hell relaxes in their garage?
Apparently, they had turned it into a second living room, including a television, couch and bar. According to their son: “…(the) garage was always open. They called their garage the garage-mahal.”
I’m imagining driving down this street and seeing the couple on their couch in front of the TV, bowl of popcorn between them, framed by the open garage door, as if they were a diorama at the Museum of Natural History. There might be a plaque next to it: “Typical habitat of humans in Florida circa 2016. Notice the drug-crazed face-eater preparing to strike.”
I have two more questions about this:
- What did the couple use their first living room for, a meth lab?
- Did they frequently use their “garage-majal” line with their neighbors? If so, the neighbors may have hired the kid to eat their faces.
>Fatal police drills. A 73-year-old woman named Mary Knowlton, evidently having nothing better to do on a non-Bingo night, decided to take part in a Florida “citizens police academy.” I can only guess she had never seen any of the 39 Policy Academy movies starring Steve Guttenberg and that guy who did the sound effects.
Anyway, these “policy academy” things have gained popularity across the country amid a heated national debate about police violence. Which makes what happened next particularly unfortunate. According to reports, “the hosting officers chose two students to role-play a lethal force simulation, a scenario intended to demonstrate how and when officers decide to pull the trigger.” Seemingly, one of the officers was a bit hazy on the definition of the word “simulation,” because he demonstrated when to pull the trigger using a gun with live ammo to shoot and kill Ms. Knowlton.
It wasn’t a very realistic simulation anyway, since the woman was white.
Marco Rubio running for Senate re-election: I actually thought Rubio was one of the more reasonable presidential candidates Americans had to choose from this election cycle. However, I just detest the unrelenting partisan politics (of both parties) that compels people to support for president somebody about who they once said: “America can’t give the nuclear codes of the United States to an erratic individual.” Especially, Rubio might add, one with such a small penis.
See you soon–assuming I get back from Florida with my brain and face intact.
P.S. For more reasons why I hate Ft. Lauderdale, see: Entry 135: Wish You Were Here (Instead of Me); Entry 249: This is Where We Send Our Old Jewish People? and Entry 542: Seven More Reasons I Hate Ft. Lauderdale (Including Marty Kiar).