When I was growing up in the 60’s, we heard about all kinds of weird ways to get high. People sniffed airplane glue. They smoked banana peels. They licked toads. My friends and I were only 15 in 1969, so we were happy enough if we could get our hands on a bottle of Boone’s Farm Apple Wine, which must have cost about 50¢ then, because it only costs $3.99 now.
It’s almost a half century later, and there’s one major difference between young people today and the young people from our era.
Young people today are idiots.
In case you need more evidence of this than the news stories of folks walking off cliffs while trying to capture imaginary creatures on their cell phones, you only have to look at the ways in which the future leaders of America are trying to get high.
As Exhibit One, I give you…
In case you’re too regular to know what Imodium is, it’s an anti-diarrhea medication. You can buy it over the counter in any drug store. Evidently, the key ingredient, loperamide, has a reputation for inducing a sense of euphoria beyond the relief of not having to run to the bathroom.
People are overdosing on it.
ER NURSE: Doctor, he’s ODing on Imodium. What do we do?
DOCTOR: 15 mg of DulcoLax, STAT!
The result of an Imodium overdose is not what you may think–that the victim simply explodes. It seems that it can stop your heart. That’s very serious to be sure. But it’s still a very embarrassing way to die.
FUNERAL ATTENDEE #1: What did he die of?
FUNERAL ATTENDEE #2: Imodium overdose.
FUNERAL ATTENDEE #1: Really?
FUNERAL ATTENDEE #2: No shit.
Needless to say, people who try to get high on Imodium have no brains. The same cannot be said of Robbie Zoller and Joshua Long of Pennsylvania, who are accused of getting high with a brain.
A human brain.
It will probably not come as a shock to you that Zoller lives in a trailer. Police found the brain in a Walmart shopping bag under the trailer’s front porch. There was no receipt, but it is assumed that Zoller paid a ridiculously low price for the brain, and that some local mom and pop body part store had been put out of business.
Police say that when Long would visit Zoller, Long would “soak marijuana in the brain’s formaldehyde, and he and Zoller would ‘smoke wet,’ causing an intense, hallucinating, and dangerous high.”
I’m sure you have the same question about this that I have, which is, “Why didn’t they just buy some formaldehyde?” I mean, you can purchase some on Amazon for $15. Did the formaldehyde somehow become more potent by being in the brain? It obviously wasn’t making Long and Zoller any smarter.
I have some other questions as well:
- If you get high this way, does it matter whose brain you use? For a maximum high, do you want to wait until you can get hold of the brain of someone like Snoop Dogg? What if the brain is from someone who overdosed on Imodium?
- Can you go to any Walmart for a brain, or does it have to be a SuperStore? Does Target sell brains, too? All Amazon sells are plastic models of brains, which probably can’t help get you high, unless you sniff the glue while putting them together.
- Pennsylvania State Police charged Joshua Long with abuse of a corpse. If your name shows up in the police blotter section of the local newspaper for abusing a corpse, would you rather be known for smoking the cadaver’s brain or for that other kind of abuse of a corpse?
- Police say Long stole the brain. Where exactly do you steal a brain from?
- If Long stole the brain, how did he abuse the corpse? Unless…do they mean the brain was still inside the corpse and Long cut the skull open to remove it?
- If Long stole the brain, it seems he didn’t actually buy it at Walmart, although imagining that is much funnier. So they were simply using a handy Walmart bag to contain the brain, rather than, say, a cooler with dry ice. But, hey, I’m guessing these guys weren’t exactly brain surgeons. Except…well, see #5 above.
- Did the brain grow more potent as it rotted in its Walmart bag? You know, like fine wine?
Finally, we have i-dosing, which is the new, cheap, totally legal, completely safe way to get high. All you have to do is download binaural audio tracks that are supposedly designed to simulate various drug experiences, like Ecstasy, weed, cocaine or, perhaps, Imodium. Then you put on your headphones, close your eyes, and trip out as the sound waves trick your brain into thinking it’s on a controlled substance or, perhaps, drenched in formaldehyde.
In the interest of serving my readers, I am providing this link to an i-dose that is supposed to simulate a shroom high. Try it at your own risk. I listened for several minutes and found myself feeling just a little bit nauseous.
But that may have been from the bottle of Boone’s Farm.
See you soon.