On numerous occasions, I’ve devoted blog posts to issues related to all the various genders that have popped up in recent years.*
When I was a kid, we only knew about three types of humans: men, women, and stooges. But now, they can be transgender, bigender, trigender, pangender, nongendered, agender, other-gendered, gender-fluid, or genderqueer.
These folks have always been around, of course, but they have only recently begun to feel comfortable identifying themselves. Besides, there didn’t used to be as many words for what they were and, without those, they could not have organizations that campaigned for their rights.
The most talked-about of those rights, at least when it comes to the media, is the right to pee.
Although it is not explicitly mentioned in the Bill of Rights, I firmly believe that the right to pee is one of the things that makes America great, and that nobody, regardless of race, creed, ethnicity or gender identification should have to hold it in.
Therefore all single-station public bathrooms should absolutely be what we used to call unisex, and what would now be called gender-neutral.
I sincerely don’t know what institutions should do about multi-station public bathrooms. Many anti-gender-neutral-lavatory people (what, as recently as last century, would have been called “just about everybody”) are fond of dredging up the scepter of creepy men lurking in the stalls waiting to prey on our women and children. But I don’t think that’s the real problem. The real problem is that men don’t want women to be able to, um, judge them…at least not before some foreplay.
There’s also the wait issue. Anyone who’s ever come out of a movie at the multiplex will have noticed this. First of all, if you’re running a 20-screen theater, why in the world would you have all the movies start within five minutes of each other, so that you maximize the lines at the ticket booth and the concession stand? But worse, then all the films let out at more or less the same time**, and you sold everyone the super-colossal Coke for just a quarter more, so there’s a stampede to the bathroom, and one of the movies was the latest Disney flick so now you’ve got fathers trying to show their sons how to use a friggin’ urinal which can be very time-consuming, especially since the urinal intended for kids–the one that’s three inches off the ground–is currently being used by the super-colossal tattooed gentleman whose girlfriend has just made him suffer through yet another movie based on a Nicholas Sparks novel.
And as bad as the men’s room is at times like that, the women’s is usually worse, because there are fewer stations, because stalls take up more room than urinals. And until someone comes up with a design for upright female peeing (possibly resembling a gramophone on end, or maybe some sort of duckbilled urinal like the art installation at left), human beings who are physiologically female, regardless of how they identify, will likely be using stalls, which will mean that if all bathrooms are unisex, all bathrooms will have longer lines, and, really, why should I suffer because a) LGBT people have rights and, b) I can’t resist a bargain so I got the super-colossal Coke.
Also, I don’t think men should have to wait to wash their hands while women refresh their make-up.
But all of that has very little to do with what I really want to talk about in this post. I realize this is rather late to be getting to the actual subject, but what I really wanted to talk about is fish.
Specifically, male bass of various mouth sizes.
Particularly the ones that are undergoing sex changes.
In an online article headlined “MALE BASS ARE EXPERIENCING UNWANTED SEX CHANGES,” we learn that 85% of the male smallmouth bass and 27% of the male largemouth bass in the Northeast have “characteristics of the opposite sex.” By this, researchers mean that the fish have eggs where their testes should be.
This is obviously a problem, because it’s hard to scratch your eggs.
And anyway, who are the researchers to say that the sex changes are unwanted? How do they know what the bass are feeling? Maybe they’ve always felt like girls in men’s scales.
The scientists say that the proliferation of intersex fish is likely caused by humans dumping hormone-rich items like birth-control pills and livestock manure. They also say that “increasing sex changes have been noted in nearly 40 fish species around the world going back 20 years.”
For all we know, there may somewhere be a Bruce Jewelfish that became a Caitlin Jewelfish.
The scientists do not say who was in charge of carefully examining the fish for gender characteristics, but you’d have to think that when that person got home from work each night and their significant other asked how their day was, they would have replied, “It’s all about that bass.”
And please notice, if you will, that the preceding paragraph is entirely gender-neutral. The damn bass can identify as trout for all I care.
See you soon.
**Except for Marvel movies, because you have to sit through all the damn credits to make sure there isn’t some essential teaser at the end.