Entry 567: Be Your Own Horrible Boss, Part II

GUARANTEE: All businesses named in this post are real.

In my previous post, I took you into the exciting world of franchises, the low-risk way to have your own low-profit business. We explored the 2016 International Franchise Expo, held in New York City over Father’s Day weekend, because what dad doesn’t want to be his own boss, lording it over dozens of minimum-wage workers?

Whereas the last post focused on various food franchises, now I’ll tell you about some thrilling non-edible opportunities.

I wasn’t sure whether this first business should be in this post or the last one. It’s PAINTING WITH A TWIST® , the “largest franchisor in the ‘Paint-and-Sip category.’” What the hell is that, and how many flavors does their paint comes in?

Speaking of paint, allow me to introduce you to a field that has just been crying out for slide-image-1[1]franchisization: art! CARRÉ D’ARTISTES® wants to “revolutionise an inaccessible market” and “democratises contemporary art,” mostly by spelling things with a British accent. This is a European company, so I don’t know how it will do in America, a country that can’t even democratize its democracy. Nevertheless, CARRÉ D’ARTISTES carries works by “600 talented artists of varying fame,” ranging, I imagine from “starving” to “lives on ramen.” Like the finest galleries in the world, the masterpieces at CARRÉ D’ARTISTES are mostly displayed in bins.

Moving on, the CHERRY BLOW DRY BAR, “offers an opportunity to be in an explodingCHERRY-1[1] niche market.” The niche, apparently, is women with hair.

If you’d prefer to cater to men with hair, you might look into one of several upscale men’s grooming salons. These are barbers without the striped poles and the jars with that green liquid they put the combs in. They il_570xN.738104663_bnnm[1]may not even have a guy named Vincento.

If you’re a fan of Mary Poppins, perhaps you’ve always aspired to be a chimney sweep. SIR VENT is a “uniquely focused, streamlined, and professional franchise business in an industry sector that is prime for growth: chimney and venting.” This sounds like a great business. My mother vents every time I call her, and I’d like nothing better than to turn the listening over to a highly-trained venting professional. “My lunch was cold,” my mother would say. “I’m sorry to hear that,” the SIR VENT representative would reply. “But how’s your chimney?”

Screen-Shot-2014-12-07-at-12.50.05-AM-1[1]THE JOINT is a chiropractic franchise and, if it’s successful, it will probably be followed by THE FOOT and possibly THE MOUTH. However, the business name may have been more appropriate for our next franchise, VAPORFI, which is “on a mission to change the way you smoke.” VAPORFI brings franchisees e-smoking products and e-liquid blending so that you can “cater to a wide range of vapers, from those curious about ditching tobacco to techy vapers and true hobbyists.” I’ll bet this is the perfect business to own if you really want a classy clientele.

There are a lot of businesses that provide safe and fun places to stash your kids and/or dogtopia-logo-finalrevised_medium[1]pets. In case your kids have a moment of free time in their schedules, you can drop them off to: make art, make cookies, make chocolate, dance, act, jump on trampolines, train for the Olympics, learn computer coding, or build robots. Dogs, on the other hand, just get to relax, especially at DOGTOPIA, which offers spa services.

pool-scouts-1[1]If you enjoy watching porn (wait until you see where this is going), then you may be interested in POOL SCOUTS, a pool maintenance company promising “best in class customer service.” I bet! And if that doesn’t work out for you, you could try one of the many pizza delivery chains awaiting your investment.*

But perhaps your goal is to “disrupt the wood refinishing industry.” Personally, I didn’t 1675401[1]even know there was a wood refinishing industry, but there you go. Anyway, if you want to get into this business, just sign up with SANDFREE.COM, and they’ll set you up with “all equipment necessary, a computer, all software, uniforms, marketing media, setup of google adwords campaign, inventory, training, hotel room for training, and we will paint, wrap, and letter your van (new or used).” If you find you don’t enjoy refinishing wood, you can keep your well-branded van and try to disrupt the beach resort industry.

trufusion-78438[1]Finally, we have TruFusion, a company whose mission is “to spread joy and wellness.” Isn’t that a nice business to be in? They spread joy and wellness by “offering a sacred space where people from all walks of life can come to enjoy a variety of instructor-led classes for the body and for the mind.” This sacred space will probably be conveniently located above the Chinese take-out place in a nearby strip mall.

Well, there you have it–just a few of the hundreds of franchises out there just waiting for your investment, so you can BE YOUR OWN BOSS.

See you soon.

*If you do, be sure to lock down the FIRENZA pizza franchise for your area before someone else does. That way, your only competition will be the CICIs franchise, the LITTLE CAESARs franchise, the PERSONA WOOD FIRED PIZZA franchise, the PAPA JOHN’s franchise, the ROSATI franchise, the PIZZA PRESS franchise, the URBAN BRICKS franchise and the NAPLES FLATBREAD franchise.

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