Entry 566: Be Your Own Horrible Boss, Part I

GUARANTEE: All businesses named in this post are real.

Are you sick and tired of working for the man? Do you hate doing it every night and day? Are you thinking about leaving your good job in the city and rollin’ on the river?

Might I suggest instead that you BE YOUR OWN BOSS?

ife-home-slide-fg[1]It’s easy! All you have to do is buy a franchise. And there are so many to choose from, any one of which will let you BE YOUR OWN BOSS! That’s what franchising promises more than anything else. Not riches. Not a comfortable lifestyle. Not even profits. Just the chance to BE YOUR OWN BOSS. In fact, I started researching this post because I saw a TV commercial for the 2016 International Franchise Expo which told me to visit betheboss.com for more information.

That Expo was at the Jacob Javits Center in New York City and, to save you the trouble of traveling to Manhattan, not to mention back in time (since the Expo was over Father’s Day weekend), I went through the exhibitor list to bring you the most interesting offerings so you can BE YOUR OWN BOSS.

So let’s get right to it, while you imagine how bad your life would have to be now in order for you to think owning one of these businesses would make it better.

The biggest franchise category is food, so I guess if you were to have roamed the halls of the Javits Center with the other bosses-to-be, in addition to the distinct odor of desperation, you’d also smell pizza (13 different companies) and coffee (12 companies).

I’ve never heard of some of the burger franchises, like Burgerim, which lets customers AAEAAQAAAAAAAARHAAAAJGYyYjllNGVmLTA1MmItNDRlZC05N2U2LWRiYjRhNTUzYTQyNQ[1]create their own mini-burgers by choosing from three buns, six sauces, 11 patties, and nine toppings.  Especially given how the presidential race is going, I’d be reluctant to leave burger construction to the whims of ordinary people.  You could end up with a salmon burger on a gluten-free bun with pineapple and a sunnyside-up egg, smathered in spicy mayo. Yum!

MOOYAH Burgers Fries & Shakes promises that “from the moment that Guests enter our restaurants, their five senses become stimulated with the ‘MOOYAH’ experience.” Hopefully, this is not as horrifying as it sounds.  (By the way, shakes seem to be a big deal for today’s burger joints, especially “hand-dipped” shakes, because everyone knows that shakes taste better when some teenager’s hand has been dipping around in them.)

getfriedLooking to provide a healthier food option? Then look no further than #GETFRIED, the “first of its kind quick-serve gourmet fry café” with five types of french fries, five protein toppings and over 20 sauces and seasonings, plus “unique Finger Food Favorites,” such as Original Pizza Logs and Buffalo Crunch Rolls. (I’m not sure what the hash tag in the name is for; maybe you’re supposed to tweet your cardiologist ahead of time.)

Many franchises feature some sort of new technology. CHATIME, for instance, “emphasizes healthy and authentic Taiwanese traditional tea culture” by implementing a “High-tech Tea Brewing Procedure.” I’ve always found that the best authentic traditions incorporate high-tech procedures.

CREAMISTRY swears that “serving ice cream the liquid nitrogen way is the right way!” creamistry-4[1]Their “Creamologists specialize in using liquid nitrogen to prepare customized, handcrafted ice cream right before your eyes!” Get in on this franchise quickly, before some study finds that liquid nitrogen isn’t really that good for you.

Now we come to a franchise that addresses a huge need in the market. How many times have you visited a McDonalds or Burger King, looked up at the menu board, and thought, “Gee, I wish they served oysters”? That’s the thinking behind VIRGOLA, an “upscale oyster and Italian wine franchise.” If you own a VIRGOLA franchise and think your customers wild-bills-soda_dsc_6299[1]might not always want wine with their oysters, you can also buy a WILD BILL’S SODA franchise which is a truck you can park right outside your oyster joint to dispense “handcrafted, premium carbonated beverages” in “collectible, high-grade stainless steel mugs.” I’ve actually seen one of these trucks at a street fair on a hot summer’s day, and I can tell you that no one really likes carrying around a soda-encrusted collectible steel mug with flies swarming around it.

And assuming your VIRGOLA franchise doesn’t serve dessert oysters, you’ll want to have a HOMIBING franchise nearby. According to its own write-up, HOMIBING…

“…tries to break the old-fashioned tradition in domestic dessert market, and pursues to meet the diverse consumer standard with the trendy Korea ice flakes by providing various dessert menu in every season.”

Obviously, HOMIBING is new to the American market…and the English3552618101_fHnNIXFM_99c43a50437b5eadea075ed5abd3ad2020f3b2fc[1] language. And if you’re wondering what Korean ice flakes is (or are)–it’s a friggin‘ snow cone!

Other new food franchises you might look into include:

LI SUPERBOWLS, a “quick service SoCal style eatery” with “a complimentary breakfast and lunch menu.” I’m not exactly sure how the franchisee makes money what with the breakfast and lunch menus being complimentary; I guess you do a huge dinner business.* I also have to question the claim of a “SoCal style eatery” since the “LI” in “LI Superbowls” stands for Long Island.

THE CHICKERY is “on the cutting edge of the explosive better chicken segment,” so, if you buy into this business, you’d better purchase extra insurance in case one of your customers becomes a victim of a detonating chicken. (But at least it will be one of the better chickens; you don’t want your customers smacked by a substandard drumstick.)

BONMi uses ”the Sous Vide production process which maximizes product consistency and minimizes capital investment, space requirements and costly labor.” Because my wife watches the Food Network a lot and I know what Sous Vide is, I’m imagining that this means all the food at BONmi gets delivered to the restaurant in plastic bags.

Finally, we have the food franchise to end all food franchises…and I might mean that front[1]literally. It’s the BEEF JERKY OUTLET, which sells “everything from the Jerky to bug candy.” I’m not sure how many things come between jerky and bug candy, but I’m pretty sure I don’t want to find out.

Of course, someone who’s their own boss can’t live by franchised food alone, so, in my next post, I’ll tell you about some non-food business ideas.

See you soon.

*Since I didn’t think LI SUPERBOWLS really served free lunch and breakfast, I tried to find out if “complimentary menu” is some sort of restaurant industry term. Maybe, I thought, it means you use the same food for breakfast and lunch, but serve it differently. Or perhaps, when you walk in, the menu says things like, “You really look good today.” So I Googled “complimentary breakfast and lunch menu,” but all I got was the breakfast and lunch menus of various school systems around the country to which, hopefully, LI SUPERBOWLS compares favorably.

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One Response to Entry 566: Be Your Own Horrible Boss, Part I

  1. Pingback: Entry 567: Be Your Own Horrible Boss, Part II | The Upsizers

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