Entry 550: A Nice Place for Mass Murder

LOGO-EDITORIAL-TIME-LIFE-1-[1]New from Time-Life Books: it’s Great Mass Murderers of the 21st Century!

Yes, the company that brought you Mysteries of the Unknown, The Civil War, The Old West and The Art of Sewing now brings you the ultimate collection of death, all in rich, leather-like hard-cover bindings that are sure to become family heirlooms.

From Virginia Tech to Newtown, from Dylann Roof in a Charleston Church to James Holmeslogo in a Colorado movie theater, Great Mass Murderers of the 21st Century will let you relive all the excitement, all the carnage, all the overblown media coverage and all the politicians saying “our hopes and prayers are with the families of the victims.”

Great Mass Murderers of the 21st Century comes to you in 30 handsome volumes, 28 of which cover mass murderers in the good old USA. And, remember, this is just the 21st Century! The series includes “The School Shootings,” “The Workplace Shootings,” “The Terrorists,” and much more.

Start with your first volume, “A Nice Place for Mass Murder,” a do-it-yourself guide for the aspiring mass murderer to help you become the subject of a future volume of Great Mass Murderers of the 21st Century.

In this volume, you will discover that the best place to carry out a mass murder isn’t America at all, but Norway!

That’s right–Norway!

“A Nice Place for Mass Murder” starts with tips for getting your intended victims to The Land of the Midnight Sun. For instance, you could call them and let them know they’ve won an all-expenses paid trip to tour the fjords. Or maybe you can arrange for them to win the Nobel Peace Prize so that they’ll travel to Oslo to accept it. Or, if you want to make things easy on yourself, you can just choose to kill a bunch of Norwegians.

Then this step-by-step guide will tell you why Norway, a country whose traditional 710[1]Christmas meal is boiled sheep head, is the place you’ll want to choose for your mass murder spree (although maybe not if you’re planning to do it over the holidays–ugh!). And the reason is not what you think: that it would be cool to make people scream in Oslo’s Edvard Munch Museum.

Actually, it doesn’t matter where you commit mass murder if you don’t get caught. But, if your lethal plans include getting arrested, then the Kingdom of Norway is the place for you.

anders-fist-2_2194376b[1]“A Nice Place for Mass Murder” demonstrates this by examining the case of Anders Behring Breivik. In 2011, Breivik (pictured here in one of his friendlier moods) exploded a car bomb that killed eight people. Then he visited a Workers’ Youth League summer camp on the island of Utøya and opened fire, killing 69 more.

He was convicted of terrorism and premeditated murder and was given Norway’s maximum sentence.

Twenty-one years.

That’s right. You can kill 77 people in Norway for about the same amount of prison time as you can get for selling LSD in America.

That’s a hell of an exchange rate. But it’s not the only reason why Norway is your go-to destination for death.

While in prison, Breivik is “confined” to three rooms with a TV and video games. In other words, his prison cell is nicer than your average Embassy Suites hotel room.

But wait, there’s more! He also sued the Norwegian government for “inhumane treatment.” And won!

So call now, 1-800-H-O-M-I-C-I-D-E to get the first volume of Time-Life Books’ Great Mass toteMurderers of the 21st Century, “A Nice Place for Mass Murder,” to examine for 14 days without risk, at least not to you. If you like it, we’ll send another volume every week until you’ve acquired all 30 deluxe volumes. Call now and you’ll also get this handy Great Mass Murderers of the 21st Century tote bag absolutely FREE! Call now!

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Note from Mark: In a somewhat related story, Jacobia Grimes, a 34-year-old New Orleans man who has a ninth-grade education and five prior theft convictions, was charged under a felony theft statute with stealing $31 worth of candy bars from a convenience store. Because of his prior record, if convicted, he will be subject to a sentence of 20 years to life.

If only he had killed someone in Norway instead.

See you soon.

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One Response to Entry 550: A Nice Place for Mass Murder

  1. Mike Feldman says:

    Mark, I am convinced you were meant to blog. Too bad blogging wasn’t invented until my adulthood.

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