Entry 544: Building to an Anticlimax

NOTICE: In spite of appearances, this post is not about Donald Trump and does not make fun of him in any way.

"Really, I can live without that endorsement."

“Really, I can live without that endorsement.”

 

One day recently, my morning scroll through online headlines revealed the following:

TRUMP SCORES ANOTHER BIG CELEB ENDORSEMENT

Like most online teasers, this required me to click through for the inevitably anticlimactic payoff. I didn’t really care enough to do so, so I skipped to the next headline:

SUBWAY’S MENU CHANGE BEGINS MARCH 1

This was anticlimactic by definition since it was April 10, but I clicked through anyway, figuring that the menu change must be the addition of a Jared Jailhouse Footlong, and I was curious to see what was in it. Instead, I was disappointed to learn that the menu change was that the sandwiches were now going to be antibiotic-free. Jeez, big deal. It’s not like I was in the habit of going to Subway and ordering a Sweet Onion Teriyaki Chicken with provolone, lettuce, tomato and Amoxicillin.

So I went back to the

TRUMP SCORES ANOTHER BIG CELEB ENDORSEMENT

headline and clicked through, only to discover that the celebrity was Kirstie Alley. Then I looked at the headline again. A big celebrity endorsement? Really? Was “big” referring Alley’s status as a celebrity? Had she gained weight again and it was referring to her actual size?

I hoped it was one of those two, because if “big” was referring to the importance of the endorsement, I have a big problem.

In what universe is Kirstie Alley’s endorsement of a political candidate “big?” Okay, maybe if she came out for the person running for mayor of wherever she lives. That could turn the election I guess. But president of the United States?

What part of Alley’s biography would make someone think, “Oh, if Kirstie likes him, he must be the best candidate”?

ss-160105-kirstie-alley-01_eac94b3ea1c58b90985ab53cf05826c3.today-ss-slide-desktop[1]How would that thought process work exactly? I figure it has to be one of the following:

  • She was a Vulcan in the best Star Trek movie, so she will make the logical choice.
  • She fervently believes that the dictator of the “Galactic Confederacy” brought billions of his people to Earth 75 million years ago, stacked them around volcanoes and killed them with a hydrogen bomb. Therefore she must be able to choose among Earthlings.*
  • She spent a large amount of time in a bar, so she’s just like me.cheers-cast[1]
  • I wouldn’t vote for Trump just because Kirstie Alley endorsed him. But Kirstie Alley and Dennis Rodman? Absolutely!

***************************
While on another morning scroll, this headline caught my eye:

MICHELLE OBAMA REVEALS POST-WHITE HOUSE PLANS

Allow me to do now what the Internet never does: give you the anticlimactic answer without making you do anything. In literally the very last paragraph of the accompanying article we find the big reveal:

And as for where she’ll be Saturday, January 21, 2017, the day after inauguration, “hopefully somewhere warm,” she says, “somewhere really, really warm.”

Yes, folks, that is the sum total of Michele Obama’s plans after leaving the White House. I have more solid plans for when I leave my house to walk my dog.

But that’s not even why I brought up this headline. Beneath the headline, was this teaser:

In a candid interview with NBC Today’s Al Roker, FLOTUS opened up about life as First Lady.

obamaFirst, I guess that explains why she brought up post-first-ladyship weather–she was talking to Al Roker! But, more importantly, I think the media has to stop with the acronyms. We all know that POTUS means President of the United States. But do we really have to call the First Lady FLOTUS?

In fact, isn’t it time to retire the term “First Lady” entirely? What if Hillary Clinton wins? What will Bill be, and how will the press make a pronouncible acronym out of it? I Googled this and, although plenty of people are asking the question, there doesn’t appear to be a definitive answer.

I say we go with SOTPOTUS for either gender: Spouse of the President of the United States. Or maybe we delete the two “of the”s and just go with SPUS, even though it sounds like something oozing out of an open sore.

Which brings me to my final comment about this. Lately I’ve been seeing more and more references to SCOTUS: Supreme Court of the United States.

I don’t know about you, but every time I see the term “SCOTUS” I think of a part of the male anatomy which I would prefer not to associate with the highest court in the land.

See you soon.

*Scientology.

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