That would be Kim Kardashian, who has finally found a reason to be famous: posting selfies on Instragram and inciting actual celebrities to comment on them. Here we see Kim with, um, Selfie 1 and Selfie 2, partaking of two of her favorite activities, being naked and looking in the mirror.
This caused Bette Midler to tweet: “Kim Kardashian tweeted a nude selfie today. If Kim wants us to see a part of her we’ve never seen, she’s gonna have to swallow the camera.”
This, in turn, started a firestorm of contrary comments, many of which were along the lines of “Kim is a modern women and if she would like to show us her assets she should be free to do so and where can I find one without the black bands?”
Kim even struck back herself, posting another selfie, this time with an accomplice. It’s hard to know where to look in this photo, what with various things pointing in all directions, but what stands out the most is that Kim has changed her hair color.
Anyway, I don’t think Bette Midler was suggesting that Kim should stop posting naked pictures of herself as much as she was commenting on her overexposure in general. And the whole episode proves one thing: at age 71, Bette Midler is too old to be tweeting.
Our second photography story also involves a cell phone picture with two people. In this shot, the models are not only wearing the usual amount of clothing, but one of them has donned an additional fashion accessory: a bomb belt.
This happened aboard an Egyptian airliner when one of the passengers tried to hijack the plane, claiming to be wearing said suicide sash. That’s when 26-year-old Britisher Ben Innes jumped into action, bravely asking the hijacker if he would pose for a picture. I’ll let Ben, who is, ironically, a health and safety auditor in Leeds, take it from here:
“I figured if his bomb was real I’d nothing to lose anyway, so took a chance to get a closer look at it…and asked if I could do a selfie with him. He just shrugged OK so I stood by him and smiled for the camera while a stewardess did the snap. It has to be the best selfie ever.”
Now, I’ll admit to not being hip to all the cool tech lingo kids use these days, particularly as uttered in an English accent. So, correct me if I’m wrong, but if somebody else takes the picture, isn’t it, by definition, not a selfie? I mean, it doesn’t count toward my homeowner competency points if I hire somebody to come do my DIY project,* so how is it a selfie if the stewardess was the one who said “Say boom” and “did the snap.” Does “selfie” just mean “with my cellphone?” Is it not a “selfie” but, rather, a “cellfie,” and the media has been misspelling it all this time?
Anyway, that’s not even what got my attention about this story.
If I had cropped the photo (or borrowed one of Kim Kardashian’s black bands) so that you couldn’t see the bomb belt, who would you think was the deranged lunatic in this picture? Hey, Ben, you’re standing next to a guy who could be seconds away from redecorating the cabin with your insides, do you think you could look a little less joyful about it? Even the hijacker seems to be thinking, “Wow, this guy is an idiot.”
But, of course, now Ben can go home to Leeds and frame the New York Post cover and hang it in a prominent spot in his office at the Leeds Health and Safety administration (or wherever a health and safety auditor works) so that all his co-workers can say, “Wow, this guy is an idiot.”
Next, we have the photographic follies of Jeanie Ditty of North Carolina. Jeanie’s two-year-old daughter Macy Grace died tragically back in December, so Jeanie did what any heartbroken mother would do: she hired a wedding photographer named Sunny Jo to create this image of Jeanie sitting by her daughter’s grave while her daughter’s ghost tenderly touches her shoulder.
This may come as a shock to you, but Sunny Jo didn’t really take this picture. Well, he did take the shot of Jeanie, who has obviously chosen a well-populated cemetery as her daughter’s final resting place, but he probably Photoshopped Macy’s ghost into the picture. I know this because it is unlikely Macy’s ghost would be touching her mother’s shoulder tenderly, since Jeanie was arrested last week on charges of first-degree murder and negligent child abuse inflicting serious bodily injury, the victim, of course, being Macy.
Of course, I had to get to the heart of this story, which is: Does Sunny Jo get a lot of demand for these types of photographs? So I went to his website, where Sunny tells us that he has “over eight years of visual entertainment experience” and that he has recently added this “One More Time” service “due to positive response.”
For as little as $100, you and your departed “Family members, Friends, Loved ones and even pets!” can get together “one more time” in a touching and somewhat creepy photographic tribute like the one at right, in which a businessman is descending from heaven to kidnap a baby that has been left abandoned in a meadow.
A disclaimer here: the fee is $100 only if you provide all the pictures. However, Sunny says, “if I have to take the photos the service will be $150.”
It’s your job to get your dead aunt to pose.
Finally, we have Apple’s new iPhone feature which it has been heavily advertising: Living Pictures. These are photographs that magically move when you touch the screen. This is indeed revolutionary–Apple has invented moving pictures! Soon they may add sound and destroy the careers of many early iPhone living picture actors!
And, by the way, isn’t a photo that comes to life nothing more than a video that has been freeze-framed?
See you soon.
*For the record, I currently have zero homeowner competency points.