At 12:01 this morning, the Republican Party announced that the entire presidential campaign has been an amazingly elaborate April Fools hoax.
Former Speaker of the House John Boehner: The planning began way back in 2011 when we elected Reince Priebus to be chairman of the party.
Republican Party Chairman Reince Priebus: My real name is Jim Sullivan. Frankly, we can’t believe people thought there was somebody really named Reince Priebus.
Senator Lindsey Graham: Man, were we smashed that night. Remember when Karl Rove pissed “Cain for President” in the snow behind the Lincoln Memorial?
Priebus: That’s where my fake name came from.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell: Right. It’s an anagram for “inscribe ur pee.”
One of the Koch Brothers: Can we get back on point here, you idiots?
The Other Koch Brother: Yeah, we’re paying for studio time.
Former President George W. Bush: The prank was my idea…
Fox News CEO Roger Ailes: Bullshit, George. It was Cheney’s idea.
McConnell: Anyway, we didn’t start plotting in earnest until Obama’s reelection.
Boehner: When America voted for Obama again, we sort of just thought, “F**K you, America.”
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan: So we caucused to devise a way to get even with America.
Bush: I suggested we “discover” WMDs in Canada…
Ailes: Again, Cheney’s idea.
Graham: But then we thought, let’s really give ‘em a scare.
Priebus: So we decided to subvert the entire election process by running the most preposterous slate of candidates we could find.
McConnell: Cruz was first, as I recall.
Boehner: We all hate him. What an asshole.
Ryan: And then when Rubio did that thing with the water in the State of the Union response, we thought “We’ve got to have that guy!”
Graham: Then Christie wanted in…
Priebus: Threatened to block my driveway if we didn’t let him run.
The Other Koch Brother: We interviewed Ben Carson and we all fell asleep, so we included him.
McConnell: But we realized we needed a few realistic candidates, you know, so it wouldn’t be too obvious.
Boehner: And so people would have candidates they could actually vote for.
Graham: So I volunteered.
Bush: And I volunteered Jeb.
Priebus: And don’t forget Kasich.
Ailes: But something was missing. There was no entertainment value. Nobody who could make news 24 hours a day for a 24-hour-a-day news network. Then I was walking along Fifth Avenue in New York one day and it suddenly came to me…
Graham: All we had to tell him was that his name would be on bumper stickers.
Bush: He loved my idea about the wall in Mexico…
One of the Koch Brothers: All the pieces were in place.
Bush: Mission accomplished!
Boehner: But then it got out of hand. That’s when I quit.
Boehner (tearing up): It wasn’t supposed to get this far, America. You weren’t supposed to actually vote for the guy!
Priebus: Anyway, on behalf of the Republican Party…
All: April Fools!
Ailes: They certainly are.