Entry 536: Poll Dancing

In a recent Public Policy Polling survey, 30% of Republican voters said they would approve of the U.S. bombing Agrabah, which would be consistent with the party’s policies if not for the fact that Agrabah is the fictional kingdom in the Disney movie Aladdin. I’m not going to get into my opinions on that subject (although, clearly, Mos Eisley poses a more Mos_Eisley[1]significant threat to America), but I got to thinking about how easily these polls, which seemingly have no purpose other than to show how stupid Americans are, can be manipulated. After all, 30% of Republicans could not have chosen to bomb Aladdin’s home town if that hadn’t been one of the choices on the survey.

So, I’ve devised my own poll for supporters of each of the presidential candidates.

WHY THEY LIKE THEIR CANDIDATE…

What’s the number one reason you support Bernie Sanders?
[]I like his progressive programs.
[]I enjoyed him on Curb Your Enthusiasm.
[]He’s Jewish.
[]He reminds me of my crotchety grandpa.
[]He’s a 5’8″ white guy who played basketball.

What’s the number one reason you support Donald Trump?
[]The whole “wall” thing. How great was that?
[]I’m a comedian.
[]He speaks his mind.
[]He speaks my mind.
[]He reminds me of that crazy guy on The Apprentice.

What’s the number one reason you support Ted Cruz?cruz
[]He’s a Christian.
[]He’s a Scientologist.
[]My favorite character in 101 Dalmatians was Cruella.
[]His slogan, “TrusTed” is so clever.
[]Of all the candidates, he’s the most likely to press the red button.

What’s the number one reason you support John Kasich?cruella
[]Who?
[]I’m a big fan of sanity in my presidents.
[]He reminds me of the reasonable father on every 1960’s sitcom.
[]Of all the candidates, he’s the only one who wouldn’t look too weird on money.
[]I have no clue what his proposals are, which, compared to the other candidates, is a good thing.Clinton

What’s the number one reason you support Hillary Clinton?
[]She’s a woman.
[]I’m a car dealer and she seems so sincere.
[]I don’t know how to use email, either.
[]Wait, I thought I was supporting Chelsea.
[]My favorite character in 101 Dalmatians was Cruella.

ABOUT THEIR CANDIDATES…

What one question would you like to ask Bernie Sanders?
[]If you’re the junior senator from Vermont, how friggin’ old is the senior senator?
[]Have you considered wearing hats?
[]You seem to get upset a lot. Is that good for your heart?

If you could change one thing about Hillary Clinton, what would it be?
[]OMG–the pantsuits!
[]Her evil grin.
[]Just one?

What do you think John Kasich can do to get noticed more?
[]Appear on Saturday Night Live.
[]Marry a hot, younger woman with an Eastern European accent.
[]Shoot the other guys during a debate.

Do you think too much is said about Donald Trump’s hair?don-king[1]
[]Yes, we should talk more about important issues, like his penis.
[]No, it’s very presidential
[]At least he’s not Donald King.

It has been said that everybody in Congress hates Ted Cruz. Why do you think that is?
[]I’m supporting him and even I don’t like him.
[]It seems as though he could just start bitch-slapping you at any moment
[]That filibuster when he read Green Eggs and Ham. He would have done a much better job with How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

ON POLICY…

If Donald Trump negotiated with Vladimir Putin over the fate of Crimea, what do you think the outcome would be?
[]He’ll build a fence around Crimea and make Putin pay for it.
[]He’ll let Putin have it as long as he changes the name to Trumpland.
[]He’ll be tough on Crimea and make sure all the criminals go to jail.

Do you think Hillary Clinton mishandled Benghazi?
[]What difference does it make–the black guy dropped out.
[]If you rub it in really well, it doesn’t stink quite so much.
[]Not as badly as she mishandled Lewinsky.

Since Ted Cruz is from Canada, do you think he’ll get along with Prime Minister Justin Trudeau?
[]Can we vote for Trudeau? I really wish we could vote for Trudeau. He’s soooo cute.
[]I hope so, because if he wins, I’m planning on moving to Canada.
[]Cruz is from Canada? I thought he was Hispanic. Where was Rubio from, Germany?

Bernie Sanders is the most vocal of the candidates about income and wealth inequality. What do you think of his ideas?
[]I’m poor and I agree.
[]I’m rich and I disagree.

According to his Website, John Kasich thinks that “Wiping ISIS off the map requires a complex, collaborative strategy involving mutual defense action by NATO—as well as regional allies—in the wake of the attack on France, intensifying international intelligence cooperation, increasing support to the highly-effective Kurdish military, creating safe havens and no-fly zones, combating human trafficking in refugees, a NATO & regional coalition with ground troops, and more aggressively fighting the war of ideas to discredit ISIS.” Do you agree?
[]That policy has way too many words for me. I’m switching to Trump.
[]Bomb the crap out of ‘em. And Agrabah, too.

Americans can’t really be as stupid as the polls make them out to be…can they?

See you soon.

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