This is a huge breakthrough, because now you can acquire an adorable puppy in much the same way you made sea monkeys when you were a kid. Just add water, shake the tube a bit, and…
Hah! Just kidding. Making puppies is much more complicated than that. Turns out it’s like making money: you need to have dogs to make dogs.
First you need dogs from which to extract eggs. Then, after you fertilize the eggs, you need other dogs to be pregnant. I’m not sure why the first set of dogs can’t be the same as the second set of dogs, unless it’s a problem to have a Yorkie carrying that Burmese Mountain Dog-Yorkie mix you created. (Continued after photo.)
Anyway, the first dogs ever conceived in a test tube are a mix of beagle, Labrador, cocker spaniel and, judging from the photo, lop-eared rabbit. The litter of seven puppies was born at Cornell University on July 10, and are now all healthy 7-month-olds with mommy issues and spectacular hearing.
Although in vitro fertilization like this has been done with humans since 1978, it has taken longer to develop the technique with dogs, possibly because it’s difficult to entice canines to spend tens of thousands of dollars per attempt.
Hah! Kidding again. This is how Dr. Pierre Comizzoli, a reproductive physiologist for the Smithsonian Conservation Biology Institute, explained the reason in highly technical terms: “The biology of the dog,” he said, “is really, really different than humans.”
This is why, for instance, you rarely see men lifting their legs at public urinals.
Okay, so now we can conceive dogs in test tubes. Here’s a question: Why do we want to conceive dogs in test tubes?
We’re always being told to spay or neuter our dogs. We are constantly beseeched to adopt dogs from our local shelters. We obviously have more dogs than we know what to do with. So why are we inventing new ways to create them?
I mean, it’s not as if your Rhodesian Ridgeback is worrying that she may have devoted too much time to her career and now her biological clock is ticking. And even if your prized poodle has procreation problems, you’re not likely to spend all that money to have the vet extract her eggs, get an equally handsome male to donate sperm, stir it in a tube, implant it in another pooch, and hope for the best. Hell, for a mere $100,000, an outfit called My Friend Again can clone a carbon copy of your well-coifed canine!
More Advances in Dog Technology
An outfit called Party NYC has created Disco Dog, the LED Dog Vest that not only makes you more visible when you walk your pet at night, but will also result in numerous reports of very low-flying UFOs. Best of all, you can control the lights from your smartphone, possibly to make them spell out “MY OWNER IS A MORON.” Nevertheless, 171 people pledged a total of over $22,000 on Kickstarter to make Disco Dog a reality and, after some production delays, the vest is scheduled to start shipping in the spring, so be on the lookout for flashing fidos in your neighborhood next summer.
…someone has invented a box that purports to train your dog to pick up after itself. Now, before you get all excited, we’re not talking about poop here. This product, called Tidy Dog, is only intended to teach your pup to put its toys away. It does so by dispensing a treat each time the dog puts something in the box. As you can see from this photo of our puppy Riley, our house is littered with dog toys, so at first glance, the Tidy Dog sounded perfect for us. Except for one thing: Riley, is a Sheltie. Shelties are very, very smart. I figure it would be less than three minutes before Riley stationed himself at the Tidy Dog box and began removing things and immediately putting them back in so he could get the treat. He might even bring items from elsewhere in the house and put them in the box. I have no doubt that, before long, every single thing we owned that was not attached to something else would be inside the Tidy Dog.
On the plus side, at least we’d know where to look for stuff.
See you soon.