Entry 524: New Old Stuff

As I have done previously in this blog, I want to take this opportunity to bring my readers up to date on some of the latest discoveries dug up by archaeologists around the world.

Let’s begin at Stonehenge, that strange rock formation in England which has now been Stonehenge-original[1]confirmed to be the remains of a Druid condominium development. Here you can see a computer recreation of the site as it would have been originally. Clearly it is the swimming pool area, complete with a wall to keep out unaccompanied guests (Romans, for example) and a circle of man-made structures that would have provided shade at various times during the day. The smaller stones are the remains of very uncomfortable-looking lounge chairs, which may explain why the pool fell into disuse and the townhouses abandoned.

However, down the road a bit, roughly two miles away, scientists have discovered “a 330m-long line of more than 50 massive stones, buried under part of the bank of Britain’s largest pre-historic henge.”

rocksNow I’m sure you have the same question about this as I did: “What the hell is a henge?” Did you know a “henge” was a thing? I always thought Stonehenge was called that because it was the name of the place, not because it was a henge made of stone. According to dictionary.com, which is a reference as comprehensive as the Oxford English Dictionary but much easier to carry around unless you only have a desktop computer, a henge is:

“…a Neolithic monument of the British Isles, consisting of a circular area enclosed by a bank and ditch and often containing additional features including one or more circles of upright stone or wood pillars: probably used for ritual purposes or for marking astronomical events, as solstices and equinoxes.”

So if these 50 newly-discovered massive stones were buried beneath the bank of a henge, doesn’t that mean they were under other massive stones? What the heck were these ancient people up to? The only logical explanation is that they were playing a really exhausting game of Jenga. And I bet they would have worked up a thirst doing it, which brings us to our next find…

99 Bottles of Beer on an Unidentified Shipwreck in the Baltic Sea,                     99 Bottles of Beer

Well, okay, it was only two bottles. According to UPI’s Top Archaeological Finds of 2015, scientists “sampled beer from two bottles recovered from an unidentified shipwreck in the Baltic Sea.”

The shipwreck was from the 1840’s, so allow me to be the first to say, “Yuck.” I can’t even drink Bud Light that’s been in my basement for a year, and these guys are chugging 170-year-old brew? Did they also have some of the 300-year-old pretzels found last year near the Danube (which I covered in my previous archaeological update)?

Ah, I’ve just been informed that, to a scientist, “sampling” doesn’t mean that it does to normal people. That’s a good thing, because “the researchers said they found living bacteria in the bottles that helped them retain a pale golden color (the bottles, not the researchers). They think the beer could originally have had hints of rose, almond and cloves, and that it’s possible that a smoky flavor in beer was appreciated at the time.

In case you don’t enjoy a nice, frothy glass of living bacteria, you’ll be happy to know that the scientists intend to recreate the beer. You’ll be able to buy it soon in cans designed with the colors of your favorite NFL teams.

And, by the way, kudos to UPI for making beer one of the top archaeological finds of the year, right alongside…

…Bacon!

Yes, that’s right. And it was right near Stonehenge, so it could be the remains of a barbecue Archeologists-find-US-Army-bacon-and-sunscreen-tins-buried-at-Salisbury-Plainhosted by one of the Druid condo residents.

Or, it could just be U.S. Army rations from World War II. That’s probably somewhat more likely, considering the labeling and all. Not to mention the sunscreen that they also found. And the bottles of Mason’s OK Sauce. (Slogan: “Why use an excellent sauce when you can use one that’s ok?”)

And finally…

Researchers working near the Austrian town of Fuschl am See have dug up what appears to be a 2,800-year-old Mesopotamian cell phone. It is made of clay, and has strange symbols on the buttons, and the scientists can’t figure out how the camera worked. This has lead sane people on the Internet to the obvious conclusion that the cell phone was left on Earth by aliens.

gallery-1451914176-alienphonePersonally, I’ve always thought there could be something to the whole “Chariots of the Gods” theory that the seemingly advanced technology of ancient civilizations was brought to Earth by aliens. And this discovery of the iPhone of the Ancients could solve a mystery that has always puzzled me.

Haven’t you ever wondered how Moses made it all the way down Mount Sinai with those two huge stone tablets? Maybe the tablets weren’t stone. Maybe they were iPads.

See you soon

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