Entry 520: Eat My Dust (No, Really; It’s Vegan)

Well, big news from the automotive industry last week: there were no auto recalls!

Ha ha, just kidding. Of course there were auto recalls last week. There are auto recalls almost every week. I don’t remember as many cars being recalled last century, but that could only be because they just let people keep driving them until they exploded (the cars, not the people) (well, actually both).

These days, they’re recalling so many vehicles, you’d think it would be much easier to find a parking space.

But that’s not what I want to talk about.

I want to talk about the major announcement last week from Tesla, the electric car company. Its new Model X SUV will be available in a vegan model. Elon Musk, Tesla’s CEO, would hasten to add that the Model X Vegan Model is distinctly different from this 71_Chevrolet_Vega_Hatchback_Coupe[1]1971 Vega, a car which became known for a few recallable problems related to its engineering, reliability, safety, engine durability and propensity to rust. The radio worked fine, though.

Remarkably, the Tesla Model X hasn’t been recalled for anything so far, possibly because none have yet arrived at dealerships. (But they will reserve one for you for a $5,000 deposit.)

But let’s get back to this vegan model. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “But why would somebody want an automobile with no meat?  That’s the most delicious part of most cars!”

Well, it’s because some people, and I’m not going to mention names, would prefer not to have animals die in the manufacturing of their $80,000 SUV. They’d rather have the animals die while they’re driving their $80,000 SUV (“Honey, what was that badda bump sound?”)

Now you’re thinking, “Well, what’s not vegan about my car?”

big-texan3[1]Man, you are such an idiot when it comes to this stuff. The leather seats, for one thing. And your sheepskin steering wheel cover. And, if you live in Texas, your longhorn hood ornament.

Of course, if you’re not particularly wealthy, you may already be driving a protein-free automobile. That’s because you bought the base model with cloth seats, and you spent your money on pine tree air fresheners instead of steering wheel covers, and, while you do live in Texas, you can’t afford cattle.

But for those of us who want vehicles replete with the latest technology and comforts, it’s difficult to get a “loaded” car without leather seats, or, for that matter, without alarms that go off whenever you change lanes. Jeez, until I figured out how to turn that friggin’ alarm off in my Rav4 I thought I would smash the SUV into something intentionally. I do like the little warning lights in my sideview mirrors that let me know if I’m about to veer into that large hazardous waste truck, but, really, can you stop yelling at me because I didn’t fasten my seat belt in my driveway? I’m going to hop out to get my mail, okay? section-hero-cutoutLeave me the hell alone!

Where was I?

Right. Vegan vehicles. So, anyway, Tesla will be offering its Model X in an “Ultra White” fully vegan interior including synthetic leather seats, steering wheel and gear shift for the “streamlined luxury look of leather.”

tesla-model-x-with-vegan-seats[1]Ah, the look of leather. Just like that wallet you bought from the insert in your Sunday paper. Just like that Naugahyde chair your father had.

Yes, that’s right. Tesla is going to make Naugahyde fashionable again! And since Naugahyde is made by Uniroyal, you’ll have the unique opportunity to have your seats and your tires come from the same company!

I’m kidding again, of course. (At least, I think I am.) I’m sure Tesla will use some leatherish material that doesn’t adhere to your thighs if you’re wearing shorts.

However, I do have two words for all you rich vegans who feel so righteous as you’re plugging in your electric, animal-free automobile:

Badda bump.

See you soon.

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One Response to Entry 520: Eat My Dust (No, Really; It’s Vegan)

  1. Pingback: Entry 521: Free at Last! | The Upsizers

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