No, I don’t mean the classic movie starring a giant alien amoeba that chases Steve McQueen through the streets of San Francisco until he winds up as a prisoner on a remote island and then escapes from the Nazis so he can play poker with Edward G. Robinson.
Wait–I’ve just been informed that I may have my Steve McQueen films all mushed together.
Anyway, I’m not talking about that blob. I’m talking about the other blob–the ocean blob that has climate change fans freaking out. It was 800 kilometers wide when it was discovered in 2013 but has since expanded to 1,600 kilometers.
I might find that terrifying if I had any idea how big a kilometer is in real measurements. Whatever it is, though, it seems to have doubled in size. And, trust me: if there’s anything we don’t want doubling in size it’s the ocean blob, because this is an actual picture of it:
Wait–I’ve just been informed that I’ve been talking about the blobfish, which tends to come in a more convenient portable size, but which has been named the world’s ugliest animal.
What I wanted to talk about was the other ocean blob, which is a large mass of warm water in the Pacific Ocean. It was discovered and named by Nicholas Bond of the Joint Institute for the Study of the Atmosphere and Ocean of the University of Washington, and it is this blob that has doubled in size since 2013.
This is what Wikipedia has to say about it:
The immediate cause of the phenomenon is the lower than normal rates of heat loss from the sea to the atmosphere, compounded with lower than usual water circulation resulting in a static upper layer of water. Both of these are attributed to a static high pressure region in the atmosphere, termed the Ridiculously Resilient Ridge which has existed since spring 2014. The lack of air movement impacts the wind-forced currents and the wind-generated stirring of surface waters. These in turn have influenced the weather in the Pacific Northwest from the winter of 2013–2014 onwards and may have been associated with the unusually hot summer experienced in the continental Pacific Northwest in 2014.
Now, I don’t know about you, but I find this to be very troubling. What the heck is wrong with our scientists? What sort of professional science nerd names an environmental phenomenon “the blob.” And who the hell discovered the “Ridiculously Resilient Ridge?”–Monty Python?
If scientists want us to take climate change seriously, they’re going to have to give these things more serious names. Otherwise no one will take any action until Florida finds itself under a “Persnickety Puddle.”
Meanwhile, I’m not too concerned about the blob because I live in Connecticut and the blob is in the Pacific Ocean, so there’s, like, a huge land mass between me and it, and much of that land mass seems to consist of Donald Trump supporters. So I figure if the blob started moving East while devouring everything in its path, it wouldn’t be a huge loss, as long as it stopped at the Hudson River. I mean, you just can’t be bothered worrying about every little thing that turns up on the West Coast. That’s what People magazine is for.
Wait–I’ve just been informed that another blob has been discovered in the Atlantic Ocean, off the coast of Greenland. Unlike the Pacific Ocean blob, this one is a mass of cold water and may actually be much more dangerous because it is closer to me. But even then, I can’t really get too fretful about it.
Now, if it was called “The Thing…”
See you soon.