If you’re like many Americans today, you’re wondering what you’re going to do with the $1.5 billion Powerball jackpot you’re going to win this evening.
Well, first of all, don’t throw a billion dollar party. Because, if you take your winnings in a lump sum, you’ll only end up with about $561.7 million after taxes. And I’d hate for you to begin your post-jackpot life almost a half billion dollars in debt because you paid U2 to perform at your Madison Square Garden celebration for 20,000 of your closest friends.
Still, most folks would love to have any amount of money that has to use the word “point.” Unless it is the amount each person in my wife’s real estate office consortium walked away with in the last Powerball drawing. There were 40 of them, and they won a total of $21, so that’s 52 point five cents a piece.
But let’s get back to what you’re going to do with your $561.7 million. You’ll want to give some to your children, of course, maybe a couple million each because you don’t want to spoil them and turn them into that affluenza kid. So if you have four kids, that would be eight million. But if you have four kids, you’d probably give each one a lot more than two million, because you’re an insane person. I know that because you have four kids.
Then you’ll consider dropping six figures on a Tesla, but then you’ll figure, what do you care about the price of gas, so you spend somewhere north of $500,000 on a 12mpg 2016 Lamborghini Aventador Roadster. Then you’ll buy a vacation home in the Caribbean, another in Switzerland and, what the hell, a third in South Africa for when you get the urge to go on safari. And since you won’t want to deal with riff raff every time you want to fly to one of your vacation homes, you’ll purchase a LearJet for four or five million. So far you’ve spent around $15 million.
So what are you going to do with the $546.7 million you have left?
You see where I’m going with this, right? $561.7 million is a huge amount of money. It’s so much money that a cretin like you can’t even imagine ways to spend it all. What you need is a single expenditure that can get rid of a large chunk of that money and get your winnings down to a more manageable size.
Fortuitously, just such an item has come onto the market this week.
I speak, of course, about the Playboy Mansion, listed Monday for only $200 million.
The charming 21,987-square-foot “Gothic-Tudor” home sits on 5.3 acres of prime Los Angeles real estate and includes, according to Wikipedia, a wine cellar (for your extensive collection of boxed vintages); a screening room with built-in pipe organ (for when you stream silent movies from Netflix); a separate game house with two wings, one of which has a “soft, cushioned floor” (for, you know, whatever you would do on a soft, cushioned floor). I’m going to say yoga.
There are also three zoo/aviary buildings for your dog; a pet cemetery (for your late dog); a tennis/basketball court (don’t play both at the same time); a waterfall and a swimming pool area; a grotto; a gym and sauna; a large koi pond with artificial stream; a small citrus orchard and two well-established forests of tree ferns and redwoods (in case you’ve always wanted your own forest). Perhaps the furniture is included, too, although you may want to call Goodwill about the (ewww!) beds.
And, let’s see, there was one other thing that comes with the mansion. What was it again? Oh, yeah…
Yes, that’s right. Hef has a lifetime estate, meaning he gets the run of the mansion for the rest of his life. This would be like having your dirty old grandfather living with you, making inappropriate comments that would have been sexist even in 1962.
What does “run of the mansion” actually mean? That Hefner can pop into your bedroom at three in the morning? That he’s going to sit at your dinner table in his bathrobe puffing his pipe? That you’ll be relaxing by your waterfall/swimming pool area and suddenly wrinkly old Hugh will decide to skinny dip?
Still, when you think about all the famous people who have graced and disgraced the property, $200 million seems like a small price to pay.
And you’ll still have $346.7 million left for a really thorough cleaning.
See you soon.