Entry 503: Good News, Bad News

GOOD NEWS FOR BINGE WATCHERS

TiVo has announced new technology that allows viewers to watch a one-hour TV show in 31 minutes, with no noticeable difference in audio or video quality. Now, to be fair, remember that a commercial-free one-hour show is only 43 minutes to start with, but, still, you’re saving 12 minutes with each episode, which, if my math is correct, means you can watch 44.64 episodes in one day instead of only 33.48 episodes, or watch the same 33.48 episodes you would have watched and have more than 6½ hours left over in which to have a life.

Or watch something else.

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BAD NEWS FOR SECRET SOCIETIES

In scrolling through the AOL home page, I came across this teaser: “The Most Secret rosicrucian[1]Societies You’ve Never Heard of.”

It instantly occurred to me that this was an example of a headline canceling itself out. I mean, sure, AOL isn’t the powerhouse it once was, but I’ll bet there are plenty of secret societies that haven’t been featured on AOL’s home page and that are now much more secret than the ones in the article.

I’m pretty sure that headline was untrue anyway, especially since one of the societies discussed, the Rosicrucians, has a Facebook page.
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BAD NEWS FOR RICH PEOPLE

The Internal Revenue Service has stopped accepting personal checks for $100 million or more. It’s not because they’re afraid the checks won’t clear; after all, anyone who owes $100 million in taxes probably has a bit more than that in the bank. According to the IRS, the government does not have processing equipment that can handle checks with that many digits, so they have to be manually processed.

Any entity with a budget of $3.8 trillion should be able to handle a mere $100,000,000 payment, don’t you think? But, that aside, I’d be happy to handle the manual processing for a small percentage. I wouldn’t want it to be too large, though, because then I wouldn’t be able to pay my taxes.

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GOOD NEWS FOR RICH PEOPLEDistrict_9_female[1]

Soon, the wealthy will be able to experience all the fun of being really poor! That’s because Lions Gate Entertainment is creating a Hunger Games Theme Park in Atlanta. I imagine that visitors who, I assume, will pay something like $75 per person, will be able to walk around a recreation of District 12 and go inside “The Hob,” where mousemeat and pig entrails will be available. Then you can go to the arena, where other thrill-seeking tourists will try to kill you.

Actually, I don’t know what a Hunger Games theme park will be like. But, really, what’s next, Nazi Land?

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GOOD NEWS FOR POOR PEOPLE

Poor people in America won’t have to pay $75 per person to visit the Hunger Games theme park. They can just stay where they are.
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eggGOOD NEWS FOR CHICKENS

Scientists at the University of California Irvine have figured out how to unboil an egg. Evidently, an egg is mostly protein and water, and when you boil it, the proteins congeal into solid form. So these scientists are actually uncongealing the protein, turning the egg back to its original state, although not the original original state, since I’m pretty sure the chick isn’t resurrected. Next, I would like the scientists to discover how to unbake a potato, because I really prefer French fries.

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BAD NEWS FOR PEOPLE WHO LIKE DARK MEAT

OSHA, the federal agency in charge of workplace safety, has called out an Ohio company named Case Farms for exposing workers in Ohio to hazards that include “amputations, falls, and risk of electrocution.”

That wouldn’t be too upsetting for most of us, until you know that Case Farms is a supplier of chicken to KFC, and that the amputations, in at least one case, included part of someone’s leg.

So, really, it’s better to pay extra for the all-breast option.

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GOOD NEWS FOR ALIEN ZOMBIE SMOKERS

I was so proud of myself! I almost never get the inside references (or Easter Eggs) that are mzja6vh-this-walking-dead-reference-was-so-small-i-almost-missed-it-png-176239[1]often planted in TV shows and movies to amuse diehard fans…and the film makers.

But I got one! On the October 18th episode of The Walking Dead, one of the characters smokes Morley Menthols.  And, being cool and hip, I knew that Morley cigarettes had previously existed in only one universe–that of The X-Files. It was, in fact, the preferred brand of the infamous Cigarette Smoking Man.

Of course, I probably wouldn’t have noticed if I hadn’t been binge-watching all nine seasons of The X-Files in preparation for the coming reboot.  But, still–I got it!

pyscho[1]Except, it turns out I’m not nearly as observant as I thought. When I Googled Morley cigarettes to find a photo for this post, I discovered that the fake smokes have been used in TV shows and films for over half a century, beginning with Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho.

And, to totally deflate my Easter Egg ego, among the TV shows it has been used on: much earlier episodes of The Walking Dead.

See you soon.

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