Just in time for the beginning of the school year, I’m happy to report that the problem of violence in our schools has been solved.
No new gun control legislation was necessary, which is good, because no new gun control legislation is forthcoming. Nor were dwindling school budgets further strained by the hiring of highly-trained security guards or the purchasing of highly-tech scanners.
Instead, one school got to the root cause of the problem: lunch boxes.
I don’t mean to imply that students in this establishment were bashing each other on the heads with their metal boxes, or throwing Thermoses at each other, or bullying some poor kid whose mother insisted on putting positive messages of the day in with his meal. (“Remember, Neil, you have the power to accomplish anything.” Except escaping from Rocco.)
(I kid, but, as I’ve reported previously, schools are totally on top of the bullying thing, banning boys from bringing My Little Pony backpacks to school and, thus, getting bullied.)
Getting back to lunch boxes, it wasn’t the use of them that was causing the danger, it was the look of them..specifically the look of the lunch box carried by a girl named Laura, who was sent home from school with her Wonder Woman lunch box and a strongly-worded note to her parents that read in part:
“We noticed that Laura has a Wonder Woman lunch box that features a super hero image. In keeping with the dress code of the school, we must ask that she not bring this to school. The dress code we have established requests that the children not bring violent images into the building in any fashion – on their clothing (including shoes and socks), backpacks and lunch boxes. We have defined ‘violent characters’ as those who solve problems using violence. Superheroes certainly fall into that category.”
Although the school clearly has to decide whether “superhero” is one word or two, I have to commend its administrators on their swift and decisive action. They not only confiscated the offending lunch box, but they immediately ejected it–and its owner–from the premises, thus ensuring that no innocent eyes would catch even a fleeting glimpse of such violent imagery as Wonder Woman twirling her lariat. So Laura missed a few classes…that’s a small price to pay for the safety of her schoolmates who must be protected at all costs from metal meal containers.
(The other side of Laura’s lunch box, by the way, had a vicious-looking portrait of Wonder Woman surrounded by stars of the type someone might see after getting bopped on the noggin.)
I suppose if a psychologist looked into the case, the lunch box would more likely be banned for contributing to girls’ body image issues than for inciting violence. And I’ll bet that Laura’s misguided parents thought they were providing their daughter with a message of female empowerment which might stay with her for her whole life, especially when strolling past construction sites.
But what place does this lunch box’s slogan: “As lovely as Aphrodite, as wise as Athena,” have in an educational facility?
Meanwhile, there has not been a single incidence of violence at the school since the lunch box was banished, although, admittedly, the reduction in violent activity might be associated with other factors, such as summer vacation.
The school in question, incidentally, has not been identified, probably because they don’t want a rush of parents trying to get all their kids into its safer, superhero-free environment. But I’m sure the story has caught the attention of Congress, and that our representatives will take up this matter, proposing legislation for stricter lunch box controls, including background checks. Such bills are bound to pass due to the notoriously weak lunch box lobby.
Or maybe not.
See you soon.