I figure we’ll have to move there pretty soon to avoid the whole global warming thing since hot weather makes me feel clammy. Plus we have a very furry Shetland Sheepdog puppy that we have to hose down every afternoon when it’s muggy.
So there I was, checking out a lovely 4 bedroom/4 bath on Old Seward Highway (wherever that is) with a finished basement (in case my daughter and her husband continue to live with us even though the house would be about a continent away from where they both work), when I noticed this news headline:
Scientists Predict ‘Mini Ice Age’ Will Hit in 15 Years
I immediately canceled my plans to fly out to Alaska for the open house and perused the article, which informed me that, due to some sort of magnetic waves on the sun, from 2030 to 2040 we will have…
“…bitter cold winters — cold enough to freeze River Thames in England, which is exactly what happened when the last ‘mini ice age’ hit between 1645 and 1715.”
I made a mental note not to book one of those European river cruises during the 2030’s, and switched the parameters of my Zillow search to Miami. But then I remembered a Rolling Stone report that I covered in this blog which predicted that Florida will soon be under water.
So I believe I have some questions for our scientists:
- Does the mini-ice age cancel out global warming? Or will the fact that we’ve had the foresight to ruin our environment make the ice age less severe? If so, can it be a Slushee Age? That sounds a lot less foreboding, especially if it’s cherry-flavored.
- If Florida ends up submerged before 2030, will all our old people be cryogenically preserved when the water freezes in the mini-ice age and, when global warming resumes, will they thaw out and continue driving at 25 mph in the left lane?
- Did Great Britain win any medals in ice skating at the 1688 Winter Olympics?
- Will the magnetic waves on the sun cause everything to fall off people’s refrigerator doors?
- Where the hell am I supposed to live?
Seriously. I like a nice temperate climate and I don’t want to have to move to one of those countries with foreign temperatures. (I like my degrees measured in Fahrenheit so I know how hot or cold I should be.) That eliminates Canada, which is just as well, because I think hockey is stupid, although if Donald Trump gets elected president I’ll be living in Vancouver faster than you can say “Canada is going to build a wall along its southern border and make America pay for it.”
I was kidding about Alaska; my old plan was to try to hold out here in Connecticut for a few decades until Stamford became more like Tampa, while Tampa became more like Atlantis.
But now I hear about this mini-ice age coming, and, frankly, last winter was already too cold and snowy for my tastes. So now I don’t know what to do. On one hand, I’m 61, and it might be overly optimistic to plan for post-ice-age living. But, on the other hand, I’d hate to get the timing wrong and arrive in Phoenix on a glorious 180 degree day in January of 2029.
I think I’m left with only one choice of where to live.
See you soon.